Feeling Alone In A Room Full Of People

I know most of us have all experienced this feeling. It is probably one of the most depressing, emotion shattering feelings. I feel like this nearly every day. I feel like I am surrounded by people, and yet none of them really know me. No one really knows what goes on in my head..I have been occupying myself so I don't entirely know what is going on in there either.
If is a dark, morbid place -- my mind. I often think of death and those around me dying. Not me wishing it, just how I will feel when their soul leaves me. How will I be able to cope with life without them after they've been there for me all along. What will I do...I am having a stage 2 panic attack as I am typing this.
I have a close friend who is more recently having health issues. I would consider this person part of my soul. We think alike, we comfort each other, we have been inseparable. I cant imagine my life without this person, neither do I want to. The thought of anything happening to them worries me, a lot. I wish nothing but happiness and health for this individual...and I just clearly am not either of those things.
I worry what will happen if I am not here, I worry what will happen if I am not there. I wish I could teleport. I wish I didn't have to choose where to be, where my happiness would lie. Because whichever choice I make, I am hurting someone, and that truly hurts my heart. I wish I didn't feel so easily. I hate the feels.
I guess for the obvious part -- I will be moving back to NJ in about a month. I am feeling panic, anxiety, excited, happy, sad, hopeful. I want this and yet I don't. I want to go get my education but I don't want to back track. I have my own place, vehicle, job here. There I will start all over.
But there, I will have my family. My little siblings who I miss the crap out of, my parents that I know miss me way too dearly. My education which will get me a career in what I really want to do. The beach which will wash away all my sorrows. I need this...I just need to keep telling myself that.
Sigh. I am feeling super depressed writing this blog. I will just stop here -.-

I love y'all.
-Cassie

Fine On The Outside

I never had that many friends growing up so I learned to be okay with just me, just me, just me, just me && I'll be fine on the outside.
I liked to read in school by myself anyway, so I'll just stay right here, right here, right here, right here && I'll be fine on the outside.
So I just sit in my room after hours with the moon and think of who knows my name. Would you cry if I died, would you remember my face?
So I left home, I packed up and I moved far away from my past one day and I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, I sound fine on the outside.
Sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I'm confused; Sometimes I find that I am not alright, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry.
So I'll just sit in my room after hours with the moon and think of who knows my name. Would you cry if I died? Would you remember my face?

-Priscilla Ahn

Fine On The Outside (Music Video)

*sigh* this song summed up my feelings at the moment all within 4 blissful minutes. Seriously, give it a listen. So soft and relaxing....I cried for about 30 minutes just listening to this song on loop. I am also fighting a fever and killer headache that I have been trying to shake off for 3 days now... :\ I think I will throw in the towel early today and just go to sleep...My feelings cant bother me in the dream world.

I love y'all.

~Cassie