I am lost..

That feeling of being the only person in a room full of people.
That feeling of no matter what you do, you will never be good enough.
That feeling that if you disappeared today, no one would care or even notice.
These feelings are enough to cripple me. They're "lies" I am fed on a daily. Most days I am strong enough to mask it and push these feelings and hurt down, but every once in a while I am overwhelmed with never-ending tears and the pain is just so much that all I can do is sob for hours. I just...cannot wait for this hurt to end.

Summer is Ending

O HAI WORLD :3

I haven't blogged in SO SO LONG! Not to mention, as of late my posts have been depressing and down. NO MORE :D The end of the year is closing in fast on us, and what better way to bring in the end of the year with some reflection and positive vibes!

 (GOODBYE NEGATIVE)

I am coming up to my final full month in San Antonio. I will be journeying to New Jersey via my car in October, exact date is not finalized yet. I couldn't be happier to be reunited with my family whom I think of 24-7!! Sure, I will miss San Antonio and the friends I have made here dearly, but I know I need to go home for now. My family needs me, and more importantly I NEED THEM. Now more then ever. 

I am trying to find out my purpose in this life, and need support I can only obtain by blood, my siblings and parents. I am super excited for what my future holds in store for me. Excited, anxious, nervous, stoked! I really am going to miss this place that I have called home for the past 4 years. I will never forget, and I promise I shall visit :D 

What else.... umm I have staggered a bit on my vegetarian lifestyle the past 2 weeks, but I am hopping back on, stronger then I ever have ! I am more determined and more motivated to achieve my goal to be healthy. I am, also, SO FREAKING ECSTATIC FOR FALL!!!! OMG PUMPKIN SPICE THIS AND HALLOWEEN THAT I CANNOT WAIT!!! okay let me calm down a little before I have a heart attack. I enjoy all the seasons of the year, but I enjoy fall and winter the most! I enjoy the change in weather : being able to layer clothes comfortably, hot cocoa, holidays and time with family, the atmosphere, SNOW. It is just such an amazing time of year, which I literally wait ALL YEAR for! (HA!)

(Pumpkin Spice Frapp :])

I cannot wait to settle in with my family, and adapt to being around them all the time. I had taken my family for granted before I decided to move out on my own and I promise not to do that again. I will do anything for them. I am excited for what the next 2 months hold for me, and cannot wait to arrive in New Jersey.

Stay Posted :3 

I love y'all,

Cassie

 :*

Real Talk.

We all have known the ones who laugh the loudest are hurting the most. 

       Yesterday, we lost an amazing human being on Earth. Robin Williams. He is all everyone is talking about, as he should be. He was such an inspirational, hysterical, amazing man. Let me just say this before you read any further, NO, I am not applauding him committing suicide, but as one who suffers -- after you have fought and fought for soooo long, I guess he just did not have the will power or support to push forward anymore.
      I don't particularly know why this has affected me so dearly. Possibly because I have always been a fan of his work, or the fact that he reminds me of my own father, I am not sure. He really knew how to really pull you into the feelings his character feels. He always knew how to become his character and gave 10000% effort each time. He was so so funny, but I am just restating what we all already know.

      Throughout the day, I heard a lot of negativeness towards the death. "How could someone like him be so depressed", "how selfish", "he had everything he could want, why just throw it all away" etc. The fact is, yes, suicide is so selfish. He is leaving behind family, friends, fans; but none of us really know what his daily battle was. I do not ever expect an "average" person to understand this. No one should take their own life, it should always be God's timing, but who are we to judge a man who has been tormented his whole life by this depression. It really is a monster.
       A really good friend of mine posted this video on facebook, and it honestly never had been more clear then when this guy said these words. This video is for both the depressed and those who have friends or family that are depressed. I was so blessed to have such a loving, strong, supportive family through my life of struggling and being depressed. It is not that we choose to be this way...we just cannot help it. HERE is the link to the youtube video, seriously watch it. It is only 3 minutes long. 

      I will end my little ramble here, I am getting teary-eyed just looking back on it. My deepest condolences to his family. We all know he must have been amazing to know personally. I hope y'all have a great rest of the day. I am going to hop off the computer and go live my life surrounded by people whom I care about.

I love you all. so so much.
-Cassie

Feeling Alone In A Room Full Of People

I know most of us have all experienced this feeling. It is probably one of the most depressing, emotion shattering feelings. I feel like this nearly every day. I feel like I am surrounded by people, and yet none of them really know me. No one really knows what goes on in my head..I have been occupying myself so I don't entirely know what is going on in there either.
If is a dark, morbid place -- my mind. I often think of death and those around me dying. Not me wishing it, just how I will feel when their soul leaves me. How will I be able to cope with life without them after they've been there for me all along. What will I do...I am having a stage 2 panic attack as I am typing this.
I have a close friend who is more recently having health issues. I would consider this person part of my soul. We think alike, we comfort each other, we have been inseparable. I cant imagine my life without this person, neither do I want to. The thought of anything happening to them worries me, a lot. I wish nothing but happiness and health for this individual...and I just clearly am not either of those things.
I worry what will happen if I am not here, I worry what will happen if I am not there. I wish I could teleport. I wish I didn't have to choose where to be, where my happiness would lie. Because whichever choice I make, I am hurting someone, and that truly hurts my heart. I wish I didn't feel so easily. I hate the feels.
I guess for the obvious part -- I will be moving back to NJ in about a month. I am feeling panic, anxiety, excited, happy, sad, hopeful. I want this and yet I don't. I want to go get my education but I don't want to back track. I have my own place, vehicle, job here. There I will start all over.
But there, I will have my family. My little siblings who I miss the crap out of, my parents that I know miss me way too dearly. My education which will get me a career in what I really want to do. The beach which will wash away all my sorrows. I need this...I just need to keep telling myself that.
Sigh. I am feeling super depressed writing this blog. I will just stop here -.-

I love y'all.
-Cassie

Fine On The Outside

I never had that many friends growing up so I learned to be okay with just me, just me, just me, just me && I'll be fine on the outside.
I liked to read in school by myself anyway, so I'll just stay right here, right here, right here, right here && I'll be fine on the outside.
So I just sit in my room after hours with the moon and think of who knows my name. Would you cry if I died, would you remember my face?
So I left home, I packed up and I moved far away from my past one day and I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, I sound fine on the outside.
Sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I'm confused; Sometimes I find that I am not alright, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry.
So I'll just sit in my room after hours with the moon and think of who knows my name. Would you cry if I died? Would you remember my face?

-Priscilla Ahn

Fine On The Outside (Music Video)

*sigh* this song summed up my feelings at the moment all within 4 blissful minutes. Seriously, give it a listen. So soft and relaxing....I cried for about 30 minutes just listening to this song on loop. I am also fighting a fever and killer headache that I have been trying to shake off for 3 days now... :\ I think I will throw in the towel early today and just go to sleep...My feelings cant bother me in the dream world.

I love y'all.

~Cassie

Gamer Girl

I will admit it, I am a gamer girl. If I am not at work, I am playing video games or drinking. When I am at work, all I think about is coming home to play! I am, more recently, expanding the type of games I play as well. I used to just play Pokemon, Legend of Zelda, the Mario games, etc.. and now I am getting more into Bioshock & Diablo III. I LOVE how I can separate myself from the real world and consume myself for hours on end and play.

My most recent obession would have to be Diablo 3, simply because I have been holding myself back from playing it for about a year now, and I finally gave it. I am so consumed by the game on my days off!!! :) It is not a bad thing for me either.

I am, also, a big fan of League of Legends. It is not as exciting or extravagant as Diablo, but I enjoy the characters you can choose and the different skins you may purchase for them :3 SO ADORABLE!!!! I can also play that game for hours on end, but do end up getting bored simply because it is the same thing over and over.

CAN I EVEN BEGIN TO SAY HOW EXCITED I AM FOR THE NEW LOZ GAME?! gah.....Legend of Zelda is my LIFE, but a new game! I, honestly, wasn't too fond of the newest release A Link Between Worlds. Maybe it is because I am used to the graphics of the Wii version of Twilight Princess. I have been spoiled with that so the DS one is a bit childish for my likings as far as graphics but the story and quest is as epic as ever. <3

One game I am about to finally play for the first time after I finish Diablo 3 is Kingdom Hearts (I KNOOOOOWWW I have NOT played it ever!) I know it is a sin! But I am going to finally give in, buy it, and binge play :D I have never herd anything bad about it, just have waited toooo long to play it! <3

Alright, off to do laundry and other apartment duties on this day off! 

-Cassie

Disconnected--

So I de-activated my facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram & snapchat. I am only reachable via text and call. Reason? I really need some time away from drama and people. I need to focus more on myself and getting back on track versus concerned about everyone else's life and posting a play-by-play of my day. NO ONE cares what I am doing at all moments of the day.

I am doing a lot more deep breathing exercises, yoga, and video games. I am still going to work, but I transferred to another store for a few weeks and it really is a good thing for me. Getting away from the old negative and into a new positive fun work environment makes SUCH a difference.

Of course I realized with de-activating my facebook, no one will read these blogs, and I am fine with that. Maybe these things are just for me to vent and type everything I do and feel into them. This blog is all I have right now. I have to say I am going through social withdraws since I am such a socialite. Today is day two of not having these social medias....and I am still alive :P

I really want to use this extra time to also start working out again. I miss the way I was so full of energy while I was hiking and exercising. I miss it terribly. I, also, need to start packing my belongings. My time here in Texas is becoming less and less. I am anxious, nervous, excited. I cannot wait to be with my family again.

I will post again soon, very soon.

Cassie