hmm hmm hmm...

I haven't blogged in quite a while.

What can I say, I am excited to go back home, yet overwhelmed at how much stuff I need to do before move back date. I have to pack, pay off my car, get my car drivable for 1,800 miles back home!!! That stresses me out the most...will my car be able to drive 1800+ miles to NJ from TX?? >_< I really hope so! It'll cost a lot to get her in tip shape and for gas and tolls but I am excited to go back to the beach area, I belong there with my family. I am suuuper stoked that my mom and sister are flying down to help me drive up, I just hope my kitties can handle this drive! 28 hours >___> cheezus..

I am at a conflict with my job. They never have had an issue with my facial piercings and suddenly there is a dress code policy against facial piercings....I REFUSE to take my snake bites and nose piercing out! I feel so ugly without them :( They define who I am, along with my hair colors. I do not feel that I need to change my appearance if I am an exceptionally hard worker. No way, jose.
I will most likely loose my job because I will not abide by this "new" rule, so I am at a cross road. I would loooveee to move back home sooner, but I need to pay off my car before I leave. So I will be back to job hunting, trying to find another job. It is just terribly stressful. I get good hours and great pay at my job...should I just conform and strip my face naked of my metal for a miserable job? :| I have some soul searching to do.

On another note, I am feeling stronger and more confident by the day. I am eating healthier, working out as often as possible, getting back into the video games I enjoy the most. I am trying to focus more on myself rather then others. I need to get myself in the best shape possible. Life is about to get real rocky for me, and I need to be ready for it.

I cannot wrap my brain around how obessed I have become over Loki from Thor. The character and actor <3 oh make me melt!!!! I do not know what it is with me and the bad guys. aaalllwaaayysss the bad guys. I love the way that Tom Hiddleston portrays Loki's character (god of mischief) . <3 goodness. can I just say that I need to take an ice cold shower just watching the movies with him in it! Juuuust throwing that out there. :P


Alas, I am going to lay down and rest. It was nice having 3 days off, but it is back to work tomorrow *IF I even have a job any longer after tomorrow !

I love you all <3 XOXO!~

How's It Goin' Bros?

PEWDIEPIE!!

Yes. I am obsessed with youtube. I spend more time on youtube watching Pewdiepie, Cryaotic, Markiplier, CinnamonToastKen, Tobuscus, Smosh, etc.... then anything else in my life. I wish my job could be to watch their videos all day and all night <3 I would be so happy with my life lmao.

(*.*) ~marry.me~

When I am having a shitty day all I have to do is go onto Pewdiepie's or Markiplier's channel and watch a few videos, then I am all smiles. I am literally jamming out to Pewdiepie's remixes xD It is just so so good. AHHH I wish my life was theirs. I want to play video games all day and make it funny and put it on youtube and make people laugh and smile as hard as I do when I watch their videos! :3 That would just be freaking epic...If I didn't suck so much at playing scary games, then I think I have the ability to be a youtube sensation. :D

WEEEELLLL on another note. YES. I am moving back to New Jersey in September. This is all too bittersweet for me. I am extremely homesick and miss my family and being close to the ones who support me the most. I also love it here in Texas so much. I love my work family, my foundation. I just want to have a place called Cassiopeia where everyone live and I wouldn't have to choose :(

I will be living la vida loca this summer as it is my last summer in Texas until further notice. I will be visiting though! Also, I may bitch about my job a lot but regardless it is a great job, great pay and benefits, and always giving free product to us partners. I will miss my coworkers terribly *not all...but most*....

I really do not know why I am awake so freaking early. This is unholy....I woke up at 7:40, and I have work at 10, but I still never am awake this early. I figured I would blog a few events before getting ready for work :) I am probably not even gonna get ready. Once I finish this I will probably go play Pokemon X on my 3DSXL :P Oh the life of a gamer. <3

ALSO! I will be trying out how to Vlog soon! Keep your eyes out for that :) I figured people get tired of reading these posts and it is easier to just watch a video of me talking :P I am very excited and nervous to do that! I still have NO IDEA how to edit videos or all that jazz WEE!! I will be doing some researching and stuff.
Anyway, I will leave on that note. :) Y'all have a great day today and I will be posting soon!!

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Pushing Others Aside...

I MUST do this...
I had a really hard time but I really accepted it and took the first step this weekend. I am still digesting what I did today. Today, I broke off my 6 year relationship and started a new year in the best friendship the world could offer. We are still on good terms and still the BEST of friends, but I am doing this completely to focus better on going back to school and being there for my family. I seriously feel like someone popped my lungs with a needle and the air is escaping my chest but I need to do this... I am not looking for a relationship nor do I need one. I just need to be home with my family and re-focus my plan on my life.

We may still be staying friends but I am going through the notions of a regular breakup. My chest hurts, I feel like crying all the time, I am trying to stay strong so people wont detect anything..I just cannot have distractions while I am going to be doing school work. I am afraid terribly that I may be making the wrong choice. I just want to figure out what I want to do for my career. I CANNOT stand working at a freaking grocery store for the rest of my life! I want to do something I enjoy, something I can say I love doing.

I will go to college for my basics at first, then go from there. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about having to deal with financial aid and the books and studying omg I feel so overwhelmed already!! I am getting way too ahead of myself already though..I still have 6 months left in my lease and will remain here in beautiful San Antonio until then. I am seriously getting the worst feelings in my stomach that this might be a mistake, but I know that if I am this homesick now, it will only get worse. I need my family.

Anyway. gonna continue going through and boxing up some stuff I know I wont need. I love you all.
Cassie

I Am Running Away...

I Need To Escape

It will only be for 2 days but that will do for now. Three days away from stress, bills, the familiar things. I will miss my kitties, I always do, but I need to get away for a little while. I will be taking off Friday noon and coming back Sunday night. I am trying to get to the beach, but it is Spring Break so it's probably not the best idea.

I just want to get away from stress, bills, work, people, drama, everything. I want to get so far away. It will be a nice 4 hour drive there, and probably to see grandma's grave, then 4 hours back on Sunday. I have so much to do to prepare for this trip though. I had to get a temporary license since someone stole my wallet on Saturday, I need to get an oil change before we take off, I don't have a wallet or any of my debit/credit cards yet. I feel so naked without my wallet haha.....SUCKS BALLS because it was my Legend of Zelda wallet....total bummer. Plus they got my 10 dollar Starbucks gift card.  :'(

On the plus side, I am making a new CD for my trip. Lots of Chillstep mixes. I feel so relaxed and distant when I jam to chillstep! I am just so excited to get this work week over with....

Anywho, I am dying my hair at the moment and have to rinse and get ready to work 5pm-1am, I will write later.

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

-----------------I want to run away--------->

Not Forever --

Just for a little while. I want to go to a place where no one can find me, where no cell phone service is available. A place where no people are, just me, myself, and my thoughts. I imagine my secret hiding place to be a cabin by a lake with cherry blossoms all around. I, also, imagine little ducklings on the pond with koi fish swimming in the lake, and kittens running around the fields. I imagine peace, tranquility, and serenity.

I wish I could really find this place. I feel like I am running a thousand miles a minute without any time to really think things through. The days are just flying by like water through my hands. I live at work now, and I mean the hours and money is good and all...but I am loosing myself more and more each passing day. I want to escape....

I just want to get away from society, bills, work, worries, my imperfections, my mistakes, life. I want to go to a place where time and space stand still - a place where I can stare up at the stars and become overwhelmed with their beauty.
I am not saying I don't have support or people to talk to. I just simply do not want to talk anymore. I did years of talking in therapy with counselors and mentors. I don't want to talk or express what is going on in my head. I just want to empty my brain and have nothing happen in there. I just want to be alone...

I know it probably sounds selfish or stupid, but thats what I want. I want to just....run away. Run away from responsibility, from caring, from food, from cigarettes, from alcohol, from dark thoughts, I want to run and never look back. I don't think anyone can help me right now. I have been stuffing this down my throat for years now. Since I was 17. I think it is time I just separate myself from everything, and just disappear.
I do realize I put on such a show...I don't think anyone knows what is going on in my head, and I dont think I know either. I really want to get rid of this side of me that eats away at my soul. I just want to be free--

I know I will get better soon....this too shall pass.

Cassie