I stretch myself too thin...

My health has become a huge thing in my life the past 2 days. 

My blood pressure has been out the roof. I have been at first stage hypertension since I can remember. Yes, the stress of living on my own, bills, work, and money really have been effecting me lately. More then usual. I had to call in yesterday due to extreme pains throughout my body. My ribs felt like they had been kicked in, my stomach was turned, my head was pounding and I was hearing a high-pitch sound. To top it off, my ankles were so swollen it HURT so bad to walk.
This really really scared me. Only thing holding me back from going to the Emergency Room was I couldn't drive myself and that I had NO IDEA where the heck the hospital is here. I also became extremely tired and ended up sleeping most of the day. I never have been more serious about my health in my life. I finally am determined to find my purpose in life and I actually WANT to be alive, and of course my heart would start giving me the slip.

I began researching and found that garlic, omega-3, and apple-cider vinegar helps reduce blood pressure. The apple-cider vinegar tastes like ASS. It is the worst thing I have had, EVER. I love garlic so eating it straight is not an issue. I will be buying omega-3 pills this weekend but I have been eating fish for now. My diet is changing completely too. A very vegetable/fruit rich diet, with little carbs. I need to get back on my A-game.

I found myself being very dizzy this morning when I woke up, but not as swollen as usual. I also found my body not aching as much. I did take another day to just monitor myself and make sure I am feeling better. I do not want anything happening to me at work. I did go for a 35 minute walk/jog this morning, and I feel great so far. I do notice when I am doing cardio though, my fingers swell up to the point of being a bit painful due to the pressure. I need to keep my arms above my heart while exercising next time, the swelling becomes a bit too much for me.

Also, I retain A LOT of water. I do consume about 6-10 waterbottles a day, so about 96-160 fl oz of water daily. I am really trying to avoid doctors or hospitals until I return back to New Jersey, where they actually do take the insurance I am under. I am too far in debt to add another bill to the mix...that will just stress me out more. I am blessed to have such great family and friends concerned with my health. It does make the matter just that much more serious. I just want to get healthy, getting skinny isn't even a goal anymore. I want to get my body and heart strong, stronger then it has ever been. It is so hard being overweight. I have been the fat overweight girl my whole life, and I am putting my foot down now. This is enough. I am done with this. Time to take this shit seriously now.

Fresh fruits & veggies, walking, yoga, hot baths, and water will be my best friends for the next few months until I can tame this blood pressure of mine. I will continue forcing the apple-cider vinegar down and will proceed with eating garlic and protein. I am excited to be healthy...that counts for something right? I cannot wait to live by the ocean again, it will do wonders for my soul.

I love you all, I will keep you posted. 

<3

&& I found God --

I often overwhelm myself with deep thoughts and concerns. 

I know I shouldn't, yet I still do it. I wonder why do these things happen to me, why would God allow these things to happen and why do I let them bother me? Why do I dwell on the past so much, when I should just be focused on the present & look to the future? Why do I allow other peoples actions to affect me so much? Why Why Why?

STOP. I need to just STOP and freeze in this moment. I was put on this Earth for a reason, and even though the purpose is not clear to me yet, I will find it. I need to stop crying because the tears wont get me anywhere, I need to stop being bitter because the past doesn't change. I need to stop feeling bad for myself because all my trials, errors, and pain will help me reach others who have suffered as I have. I need to let go, and just dive in.

I need to find my God again. My faith has been so shaky and nearly non-existent since I moved away from home. I miss my deep conversations with God, and reading his word with nothing in my mind beside how will I impact the world with my actions today? How will I make just one person smile today? How will I get that one person to open up and share their burdens with me, for them to know they are not on this road alone?

I need God more then ever now. I need him to help heal me, and get me strong again. I need to let this wall I have built come crashing down. I need to stop putting up such a strong front and allow people to see me for who I really am. God, I know there is a reason why I am here right now, show me please.

I am tired of making excuses for my actions the past few months. I am tired of thinking my pain and worries are the worst problems in the world. I am ready to be humbled and lay my life down before the Lord. I am ready to just give my all. Why live a life without God, when He gave me the life I am living? I am ready, Lord. Use me.

I already feel stronger just by speaking (or typing) these things down. It makes it just that much more real. Now, my goal for the last few months here in Texas are to find my strengths and skills, and to exercise them so I can use them to the best of my ability to further the kingdom of God. I am ready, Lord. Pour your love and compassion into me, because I am ready.

I have never been so ready in my life. Let's do this. 

-Cass

Angry Taurus Ramble -- I AM NOT HOLDING BACK THIS TIME.

I am FED THE F*CK UP!!!

There are 365 days in a whole year, can just ONE fkn day be MINE?! Can just ONE day be focused on making me happy and keeping me smiling?! WHY do people insist on making things always about THEM?! I do NOT ask for much, ever. I am the most easy going, usually happy, make everyone smile always human alive. The cheapest date on the planet. I have only asked for ONE day, and JESUS can I tell you this is NOT HOW I IMAGINED IT. (almost) everyone I have spoken to has managed to make it about THEM.

I am the most pissed off person on earth at the moment. I literally am about to drink this bottle of amaretto BY MYSELF and for-fucking-get about today. Sure, I had fun in the beginning. Then it got annoying. I shrugged it off, and it got worse. SERIOUSLY. I do NOT mean to sound like a little brat right now but LET ME HAVE MY FREAKING DAY!!!!!!!!!!! Just SHUT up about your problems and your feelings. Today I DO NOT CARE.

Yeah yeah, I get it. You are the only one who can control your emotions and how the events in a day effect your mood and the way your day pans out. Well, I don't feel I should HAVE to. I literally sat in the tub and just CRIED my eyeballs out of my face.

Yes - I am homesick. Yes - I am going to miss my friends here. Yes - I just want to disappear right now. Yes - I tend to hurt people with my words and actions. Yes - I do not care about anyone and their feelings right now. Yes - I am pissed off and it's too late to even make things right. Yes - I might be an alcoholic. & Yes - This makes no damn sense.
This may be the RAGING Taurus bull in me but fuck. just FUCK.

I do not care what people think right now, just needed to get this damn ramble out so I can try to enjoy the rest of this night and drinks.

GAH. I feel better.

I am fine just loving me --

You see, I have this problem...

My heart is so vulnerable and pure. I love to love people. I love to show love and give my love out. I find it so hard to hate and keep a grudge. I find it hardest to keep myself back from falling head over heals for people. && THIS is a major problem. Because in the end I am the fool.

I find myself falling harder and faster lately, and I just need to keep my freaking head on and remember my goal. Solo. I need to remember that I need to better myself for me, before anyone else should be able to get in my way. My goal - HOME. I want to go home. I cannot wait to be back home with my family and friends and beaches and working retail and just being able to come home to a house full of love and greetings from my family <3 I cant wait to be able to go to the beach and let my mind go wild and free. School, Work, Family, Church. Home.

Some days I wish I could just rip my heart out and throw it away, though. I hate being quick to love and always one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am always so willing to help and love and care for others. I always want to go that extra mile to make someone happy. I love to surprise people and make them smile. It isn't a bad thing...sometimes I just do it too much and I wear myself thin.

Anyway...This weekend I was able to go to South Padre Island and REALLY enjoy a beach for the first time in about...4 years. Since I moved down here! It was so great to be back at the ocean. I swam and collected tons of shells and even caught 2 crabs and a shrimp! ^_^ It was really so so fun! And I got tanner :D 

I am trying to register that my birthday is on Sunday....May 18, 1992. I will be 22 years old this year...and I am realizing that my youth is over. I will never be able to go back but I must look forward and embrace that I am aging. I need to really figure out what I want to do with my life...because I am running out of time on this earth..and THAT is scaring me terribly...

Have I told you all that I love you? Well I do :) Have a fantastic day, mmk??

Love you,

Cassandra

MAY!!!!!

FINALLY!! :D

May is, by far, the best month of the year ;) JUST SAYING! May 18, 1992 to be exact. I will be 22 this month, Jesus have mercy on my soul. Another year to embracing death. Another year that I escaped death. Another year to bless people with my existence :P

I have to say that May is a great month. Spring starts showing us her beauty, the end of cold and the beginning of warmth. Mother nature's greatest times to shine. A time for new friendships and relationships. A time where love and hugs fill the air, right before the scorching heat of summer comes !

I must say, I have been extremely blessed this year. I love the company of my cats so much! They always come and cuddle with me when I need to be somewhere, try to play with me when I have stuff to do, and always remind me that sometimes, it is good to just kick back and take a cat nap. :)

I think this will be my shortest blog, I apologize! I am running late for work but really just wanted to type something up for y'all so you know I am alive and well! It's been a while since I have blogged.This is a busy month for me! This weekend is Artslam & the water park at Six Flags opened! Next weekend we are adventuring out to the Valley Friday-Sunday :D yay another 8 hour drive roundtrip! The following weekend is my birthday! AH! And the weekend after is just to admire how time sure can fly, and how my little siblings will be down here in Texas with me very very soon <3 I cannot wait!!!

I love you guys! Keep Smiling!
Cassie