I need to find myself....

That's All I Need.

I have not posted in a very long while, my apologies. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my head. I have been very very depressed the past few weeks. Not because of the grandma thing, just simply because I am not living the life I want. This is not what I had imagined my life had in store for me. A cashier at a ratchet grocery store, no school since freshman year when I dropped out, no education since my GED. -___- This is not the life I was supposed to have...And how did I allow myself to go this long without trying to correct it?
I am disappointed. In myself. I should not have allowed my life to go this way. I used to be this deep, thoughtful, sweet and honest girl. I don't know who or how I have become this person that is staring back at me in the mirror everyday. She isn't who I was supposed to be. She came out of nowhere. She controls me. I know it sounds silly...I feel silly writing this out but I need to get it out.

I want to wake up from this illusion. Wake up and find my 16 year old self just in my old room surrounded by all my family and friends. When I could walk out my room and see my mom and dad sitting at the table drinking coffee and reminiscing. Walk into the rooms next to me and see my little sisters and brother sleeping. I miss being a teen and not worrying as much as I do now. Life was simple.
I do realize I am the one who chose to move out. I went against what my family wished. I went against everything I knew I should have done, and left. I wanted to grow up. Get my own place, get a car, get my life started. I wish I wasn't so stupid and impulsive. I wish I stayed home..I miss home so so much.
I miss my mom and dad who always supported me and my decisions, even when it would hurt them in the end. I miss my two little sisters who always know how to make me smile and make me feel beautiful. I miss my little brother who, at times can be very annoying, always loves me. Always hugs me and tells me he loves me, when I would push him away. I was a horrible big sister. I really do hate myself days like today. What was wrong with me?
I really work hard on this mask I use to cover my face. Practice smiling in the mirror. Have the gift of humor to make others laugh around me so they wont have I don't want to let anyone in...

any idea how I am really feeling. I feel destroyed inside. I don't want to let anyone in, see how much hurt I have. I don't want anyone to see me cry like how I am now. I don't want to look weak.
I know what you are thinking. If I really feel how I do in the paragraph above, then why would I post this. Well....I need to really get it out. It is eating away inside me. I am becoming more moody and annoyed. I also want people to know why I have been distant lately, and will probably continue to be. I wish I could just vent to others and then feel better like normal people. But I just am simply not like the rest.
I really should go do something productive on my day off beside sitting here crying while typing up this blog. I am sorry again for not posting lately, and for this one being so depressing unlike my others. I guess we cant all appear happy all the time.

I love you all.

XOXO

Cass

[Hayao Miyazaki]

I adore that man.

My childhood consists of many cartoons, but the ones who impacted me the most was definitely hands down Hayao's work! Spirited Away was the first movie I ever saw created by Studio Ghibli. It was, and always will be, one of my favorites. I just loved how realistic the details were even how bazaar the story-line would be. Example : The parents of Chihiro begin munching out on the food for the spirits and it turns them into pigs. Ultimatelly, she trying to get her parents back is the real goal of the movie but all the friends she makes through the way make you really just fall in love with the movie!

My next movie I saw was Kiki's Delivery Service! SUCH an adorable flick! Then following were Princess Mononoke && Laputa : Castle in the Sky!! I personally found Princess Mononoke easier to watch versus Laputa, i was more interested in the wolves and saving the spirit of the forest versus the Castle in the Sky and all the destruction. I did love both though!

Hmm...Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind stole my heart, and shortly after I began to love Howl's Moving Castle. Nausicaa is a long 2 hour film that holds my full undivided attention the whole time!! I cannot even begin to describe the detail of that movie, it really is just a must watch! And Howl's Moving Castle held such adorable comedy !!

The next two I cant exactly explain too much what they are about because it has been YEARS since I have watched them. Whisper of the Heart && The Cat Returns <3 I feel like all of Ghibli's work is absolutely adorable but these two really capture romance and comedy. Two more MUST SEE movies!

Pom Poko && Porko Rosso. That is all I can say haha. They were honestly on the bottom of the list for me but I did still enjoy those two a lot!

MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO. Seriously. My. Favorite. I LOVE THIS MOVIE TO THE MOON AND BACK! I love how the problems in the family are modern and relateable with the mother sick at the hospital and moving to a new house and being able to explore nature. I love ALL the creatures that were featured in this movie! I really cannot even stress how much I love this movie. I am even working on getting a Totoro tattoo soon!

There are SO many other movies of his that really just blow reality out of the water. Most recently are Ponyo && The Secret World of Arrietty. The most recent one was From Up On Poppy Hill *adorable too!* as well as the newest coming out next month, The Wind Rises. He has said he is retiring, which breaks my heart to pieces! I really do admire that man!

There are so many other movies I did not mention! The Castle of Cagliostro, Only Yesterday, etc.. His son has made his way into Ghibli as well, recently producing Tale's from Earthsea and From Up On Poppy Hill.

Anyway.....I could go on and on about these movies I am truely in LOVE with Miyazaki's work and Studio Ghibli! Now please excuse me while I go watch My Neighbor Totoro while looking for my tattoo <3

I love you all

XOXO

Cassie

Homesick.

I do suffer...

I miss my family terribly. Everyday that I wake up and realize the huge decision I made to leave all I knew and all I love to move to Texas could have been a real drastic one. I do, some days, regret the move.

I am missing so many wonderful moments and changes with my family. I do feel like I should be there. I dunno...I am so torn because I love it here in San Antonio and my new friends I have made make it bearable.

Also, with technology it is easy to keep in contact with my little siblings and my mom and dad. I do need a good long visit every once in a while, though the days pass like sand through my fingers...It is never enough.

I bought my little brother Pokemon Y for his birthday and we have been constantly trading Pokemon and face timing while playing everyday. It has been such a bonding experience for us. Who says Pokemon isn't fun :P heh

The past trip in December, I was so happy we were able to create such amazing memories together. I look back at how far apart we were. All 4 of us didn't get along and we fought so so much. Mainly because of me, I was dealing with so much. Now, we just cant get enough of each other :) and I wouldn't have it any other way!

I cannot believe how old we are getting either! I will be 22 this May, my brother just turned 16, my sisters will be 19 and 17 in February and April! D: SO SCARY! I really hate how time flies faster now that I am getting older! Aaahhh I feel like sometimes I am thinking what have I even done with my life.

On the plus side, work has been great! I absolutely adore my coworkers. I do love them all, and would do anything for them. I feel like a big HEB family. They really keep me going strong and not be sad. I enjoy my job, even at times that I say I wanna quit :P

Well, I must get out of here! Laundry wont do itself!

I love you all

XOXO

Cassie

Things are turning for the better again :)

It's been great!

Ever since Thursday, things seem to have made a turn for the better. I am back to smiling and laughing again. I keep up with things, and am happy to simply be alive. :) Work is starting get better now, everyone is being friendly and love is in the air with Valentines Day right around the corner. I honestly am not a sucker at all for Valentines day, but this year I'm focusing on love in general. Not specific romantic love, just love in general. All the people in my life that have made me smile, lifted my spirit, or just said hi to me when no one else would :) I love you all ;

With that being said, I decided to pick up hours on Valentines Day to pour my love out onto the customers that will be coming into the store to get stuff for their loves. I want to be a light to people and make them smile. Whether they are coming in to buy flowers or a card or candy or just groceries in general, my goal is to make them smile :) I think I will go shopping tomorrow to find a nice cute shirt to wear :3 

It, also, was GORGEOUS outside today! Totally 90 degree difference compared to the freeeeezing weather we have had the past week! :) It was sunny and breezy I loved it! I worked 12-6 and went to run around the park with Gizmo (my puppy) afterwards. She had a blast! I, also, learned that she HATES being on the leash hahaha! She went all psyco puppy on me at the park because I didn't want her wandering off too far. But she really is a sweet heart, such a hyper pup!

Yes, I decided to go with the name Gizmo. I just feel that name suits her so well. She can be all sweet and cuddley when she wants to, but she can snap and growl and play aggressively as well. Such a cutie! I always loved beagles, even though my heart was set on a Pug. I guess I can settle for less every once in a while, right? :) I really wonder what else she is mixed with...

AND I have a confirmed number on my income tax refund aaaannnddd can say I am soooo excited to be getting another tattoo soon!! :) I don't have much money left after I pay off my credit cards, BUT a new tattoo has been long overdue! Those who are close and know me well know exactly what tattoo I have been working on :) CANNOT WAIT!!!! I will release details as the date gets closer. I don't want to pump myself up too much yet :P

Anywho....I am about to go cuddle up on the couch with my cat, Lucipurr and watch some movies. It'll be a chill Saturday night in :) A much needed rest night. Gonna go back to the park with Gizmo tomorrow after doing laundry :3 And maybe even renovate my apartment, WHO KNOWS! :D 

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Nana :3

My Current Obsession

NANA is my all time favorite anime/manga series. I personally enjoy both reading and watching this series. The anime keeps to the story line of the manga, which makes it all so much better! In a nutshell, the story line is about these two girls, both the age of 20 and BOTH share the same name, Nana. Nana Komatsu is the typical preppy girly girl who moves to Tokyo to be with her (current) boyfriend which ends rather quickly, but in the process meets Nana Osaki who is punk-rock, singer in a small town band. They meet on the train going to Tokyo, and eventually end up looking at the same apartment to rent. They become roommates, since splitting the rent in half would be easier then paying full rent *of course!*.

Even though their personalities and styles are COMPLETE opposite, their friendship and respect for eachother blooms to the point where the preppy Nana, who gets the nickname Hachi, becomes the biggest supporter for Blast *the band*. Nana O, the punk-rocker, moved to Tokyo to get her band really out there and be better known. She is also driven by the fact that her ex bf Ren, who left her to be the bassist in a HUGE band in Tokyo called Trapnest, would be able to see how far she has gotten without him. She still does love him dearly, and they get back together eventually.

 I really do not understand why I love this series SO MUCH. I mean, there are tons of little hidden facts. Like the apartment number they get is 707, and "nana" means seven in Japanese. Another one is they originally called Nana K "Hachi" (or Hachiko) because she is not too strong when it comes to falling for people, and her puppy like characteristics. BUT "hachi" also means eight in Japanese, so they would tease her for that too. Little details like that make me respect the writer more, they really put a lot of thought and creativity into the series!

This is a very sappy, lovey dovey relationship based series. They go into detail for both characters regarding their relationships, friendship, and jobs. I know this was a strange ramble but hey, I needed to get my mind off everything that has been happening, and anime does the trick :)

I am off to watch Nacho Libre and try to rest before work, I caught the flu so I feel like my head is going to expload from the pressure :( 

I love you all

XOXO

Cassie

Let me bring you up to speed...

Seriously.

This has been the week and a half from hell. Between traveling a total of 1,200 miles (16 hours), grandma going from bad to worse, all the stress and work and bills. It has really been too crazy!! As many of you know, grandma passed away on Friday, January 31 2014. She put up a good fight and lived a long life. The viewing was February 3, the burial was February 4. I miss her terribly but knowing she is no longer suffering just makes me feel more at ease. I wish she was still here in the flesh but her spirit will always remain. 

When I was at the viewing, it was the most off-putting feeling ever. She did not look like the grandma I remembered. She was cold as ice and stiff. It really brought me to tears, and made me think about when I get to that point. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have a genuine fear of aging and dying. I, also, break down in tears when I catch her scent. It could be someone who smells similar to her or even just the breeze, I cry. I feel like I have slipped into this depression and I really don't want to let anyone in. I say I am fine and I will be okay, but I really feel super depressed. Plus I have barely slept since last Sunday when we got the call saying she was going to pass...My anxiety has been at an all time high.

BUT can we take a moment to admire my new puppy!! I got her on Sunday (Feb 2). I am still thinking of a name for her! ^__^ She is a beagle mix, with probably pitbull or something. She is so sweet and a cuddle bug, but she is super playful and a bit vicious at times :3 I swear she is the most adorable pup I have seen in a while!!! She really is such a sweet heart! <3 

I am very happy to be going back to a set schedule as well. This chaos has thrown me off completely from everything. This will be the saddest paycheck in the world. I am also happy to be back to a positive environment *for the most part*. My co-workers go to the moon and back to make me smile, and they always succeed! ^__^ They really do know how to make me forget all my troubles. 

On the downside *again* I am sick with the flu :( My head is heavy, my throat sore, my nose congested, sinus pressure, headaches. I am frozen to the bone but I am giving off a lot of heat. I seriously hate being sick, I always am! I feel like everything is just getting to me at once. I took some mucinex and nyquil. I am excited to disappear from the world completely tonight. I am eating chicken noodle soup with saltines as I am writing this blog.

Alas, I feel my eyes getting heavier.

I love you all

XOXO

Cassie

aaaaand this is how the cookie crumbles...

Hello loves,

I have been gone for a few days from blog, my apologies. I have been running around like a chicken without a head. Yesterday (about 9pm on January 31st) Grandma Victoria took her last breath and joined her husband in heaven. I know I am happy she is no longer suffering, but I do feel super sad not having her here on earth with me...I miss going to her house to see the cats and dog there, cooking her meals, having a smoke with her. She was so so awesome...I miss her terribly. I am so lucky to have a job that understands family matters. I will be back in San Antonio by Wednesday back to work.

I have been driving soooo much, I am so mentally exhausted. I drove 4 hours down here on Sunday, 4 hours back here on Wednesday, worked Thursday, helped a friend pack up, move, and clean his old apartment ALL night/morning to Friday, then Friday night drove 4 hours back down here. I had NO sleep, and kept stopping in each town to try to stay awake. Plus, not blogging has made my mind a fortress for thoughts and depression.

I miss my kitties back at home terribly! I am really hoping they will be alright for me being gone so long. I left them a bunch of bowls of food and water around last night before I took off to come back here to McAllen, but I still worry. They are my babies! Emma, my blood thirsty hamster too! I miss her a lot. <3

I went to the flee market here today :3 got a score of 24 movies for 20 bucks, and these amazing orange gummy candies covered in chamoy! SO DELICOUS!!! I seriously love the foods and snacks of Texas, they really blow my mind. This stand had a bunch of little cups with different snacks that you could buy for a dollar and they would top it off with chamoy and chili powder :3 TO DIE FOR!!!

Grandma's viewing is Monday and the funeral service is Tuesday. By Tuesday evening we will be back on the road to San Antonio. I am not sure I am ready to grasp grandma's passing. I am still in shock, trying to grasp the fact that she is no longer with us. I cant just get in my car and drive to her house just because I miss her. I cant call her anymore to make sure she is feeling alright. I miss her so much already...I fear for when it hits me that she is really gone.

(grandma's view from her room)

I will write tomorrow, I have been coming to the local Starbucks to write these blogs for all of you <3 :) I am staying strong. I am about to indulge myself in some Mang-O-Ritas :) I will sleep well tonight. 

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie