I need to find myself....

That's All I Need.

I have not posted in a very long while, my apologies. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my head. I have been very very depressed the past few weeks. Not because of the grandma thing, just simply because I am not living the life I want. This is not what I had imagined my life had in store for me. A cashier at a ratchet grocery store, no school since freshman year when I dropped out, no education since my GED. -___- This is not the life I was supposed to have...And how did I allow myself to go this long without trying to correct it?
I am disappointed. In myself. I should not have allowed my life to go this way. I used to be this deep, thoughtful, sweet and honest girl. I don't know who or how I have become this person that is staring back at me in the mirror everyday. She isn't who I was supposed to be. She came out of nowhere. She controls me. I know it sounds silly...I feel silly writing this out but I need to get it out.

I want to wake up from this illusion. Wake up and find my 16 year old self just in my old room surrounded by all my family and friends. When I could walk out my room and see my mom and dad sitting at the table drinking coffee and reminiscing. Walk into the rooms next to me and see my little sisters and brother sleeping. I miss being a teen and not worrying as much as I do now. Life was simple.
I do realize I am the one who chose to move out. I went against what my family wished. I went against everything I knew I should have done, and left. I wanted to grow up. Get my own place, get a car, get my life started. I wish I wasn't so stupid and impulsive. I wish I stayed home..I miss home so so much.
I miss my mom and dad who always supported me and my decisions, even when it would hurt them in the end. I miss my two little sisters who always know how to make me smile and make me feel beautiful. I miss my little brother who, at times can be very annoying, always loves me. Always hugs me and tells me he loves me, when I would push him away. I was a horrible big sister. I really do hate myself days like today. What was wrong with me?
I really work hard on this mask I use to cover my face. Practice smiling in the mirror. Have the gift of humor to make others laugh around me so they wont have I don't want to let anyone in...

any idea how I am really feeling. I feel destroyed inside. I don't want to let anyone in, see how much hurt I have. I don't want anyone to see me cry like how I am now. I don't want to look weak.
I know what you are thinking. If I really feel how I do in the paragraph above, then why would I post this. Well....I need to really get it out. It is eating away inside me. I am becoming more moody and annoyed. I also want people to know why I have been distant lately, and will probably continue to be. I wish I could just vent to others and then feel better like normal people. But I just am simply not like the rest.
I really should go do something productive on my day off beside sitting here crying while typing up this blog. I am sorry again for not posting lately, and for this one being so depressing unlike my others. I guess we cant all appear happy all the time.

I love you all.

XOXO

Cass