I am lost..

That feeling of being the only person in a room full of people.
That feeling of no matter what you do, you will never be good enough.
That feeling that if you disappeared today, no one would care or even notice.
These feelings are enough to cripple me. They're "lies" I am fed on a daily. Most days I am strong enough to mask it and push these feelings and hurt down, but every once in a while I am overwhelmed with never-ending tears and the pain is just so much that all I can do is sob for hours. I just...cannot wait for this hurt to end.

Summer is Ending

O HAI WORLD :3

I haven't blogged in SO SO LONG! Not to mention, as of late my posts have been depressing and down. NO MORE :D The end of the year is closing in fast on us, and what better way to bring in the end of the year with some reflection and positive vibes!

 (GOODBYE NEGATIVE)

I am coming up to my final full month in San Antonio. I will be journeying to New Jersey via my car in October, exact date is not finalized yet. I couldn't be happier to be reunited with my family whom I think of 24-7!! Sure, I will miss San Antonio and the friends I have made here dearly, but I know I need to go home for now. My family needs me, and more importantly I NEED THEM. Now more then ever. 

I am trying to find out my purpose in this life, and need support I can only obtain by blood, my siblings and parents. I am super excited for what my future holds in store for me. Excited, anxious, nervous, stoked! I really am going to miss this place that I have called home for the past 4 years. I will never forget, and I promise I shall visit :D 

What else.... umm I have staggered a bit on my vegetarian lifestyle the past 2 weeks, but I am hopping back on, stronger then I ever have ! I am more determined and more motivated to achieve my goal to be healthy. I am, also, SO FREAKING ECSTATIC FOR FALL!!!! OMG PUMPKIN SPICE THIS AND HALLOWEEN THAT I CANNOT WAIT!!! okay let me calm down a little before I have a heart attack. I enjoy all the seasons of the year, but I enjoy fall and winter the most! I enjoy the change in weather : being able to layer clothes comfortably, hot cocoa, holidays and time with family, the atmosphere, SNOW. It is just such an amazing time of year, which I literally wait ALL YEAR for! (HA!)

(Pumpkin Spice Frapp :])

I cannot wait to settle in with my family, and adapt to being around them all the time. I had taken my family for granted before I decided to move out on my own and I promise not to do that again. I will do anything for them. I am excited for what the next 2 months hold for me, and cannot wait to arrive in New Jersey.

Stay Posted :3 

I love y'all,

Cassie

 :*

Real Talk.

We all have known the ones who laugh the loudest are hurting the most. 

       Yesterday, we lost an amazing human being on Earth. Robin Williams. He is all everyone is talking about, as he should be. He was such an inspirational, hysterical, amazing man. Let me just say this before you read any further, NO, I am not applauding him committing suicide, but as one who suffers -- after you have fought and fought for soooo long, I guess he just did not have the will power or support to push forward anymore.
      I don't particularly know why this has affected me so dearly. Possibly because I have always been a fan of his work, or the fact that he reminds me of my own father, I am not sure. He really knew how to really pull you into the feelings his character feels. He always knew how to become his character and gave 10000% effort each time. He was so so funny, but I am just restating what we all already know.

      Throughout the day, I heard a lot of negativeness towards the death. "How could someone like him be so depressed", "how selfish", "he had everything he could want, why just throw it all away" etc. The fact is, yes, suicide is so selfish. He is leaving behind family, friends, fans; but none of us really know what his daily battle was. I do not ever expect an "average" person to understand this. No one should take their own life, it should always be God's timing, but who are we to judge a man who has been tormented his whole life by this depression. It really is a monster.
       A really good friend of mine posted this video on facebook, and it honestly never had been more clear then when this guy said these words. This video is for both the depressed and those who have friends or family that are depressed. I was so blessed to have such a loving, strong, supportive family through my life of struggling and being depressed. It is not that we choose to be this way...we just cannot help it. HERE is the link to the youtube video, seriously watch it. It is only 3 minutes long. 

      I will end my little ramble here, I am getting teary-eyed just looking back on it. My deepest condolences to his family. We all know he must have been amazing to know personally. I hope y'all have a great rest of the day. I am going to hop off the computer and go live my life surrounded by people whom I care about.

I love you all. so so much.
-Cassie

Feeling Alone In A Room Full Of People

I know most of us have all experienced this feeling. It is probably one of the most depressing, emotion shattering feelings. I feel like this nearly every day. I feel like I am surrounded by people, and yet none of them really know me. No one really knows what goes on in my head..I have been occupying myself so I don't entirely know what is going on in there either.
If is a dark, morbid place -- my mind. I often think of death and those around me dying. Not me wishing it, just how I will feel when their soul leaves me. How will I be able to cope with life without them after they've been there for me all along. What will I do...I am having a stage 2 panic attack as I am typing this.
I have a close friend who is more recently having health issues. I would consider this person part of my soul. We think alike, we comfort each other, we have been inseparable. I cant imagine my life without this person, neither do I want to. The thought of anything happening to them worries me, a lot. I wish nothing but happiness and health for this individual...and I just clearly am not either of those things.
I worry what will happen if I am not here, I worry what will happen if I am not there. I wish I could teleport. I wish I didn't have to choose where to be, where my happiness would lie. Because whichever choice I make, I am hurting someone, and that truly hurts my heart. I wish I didn't feel so easily. I hate the feels.
I guess for the obvious part -- I will be moving back to NJ in about a month. I am feeling panic, anxiety, excited, happy, sad, hopeful. I want this and yet I don't. I want to go get my education but I don't want to back track. I have my own place, vehicle, job here. There I will start all over.
But there, I will have my family. My little siblings who I miss the crap out of, my parents that I know miss me way too dearly. My education which will get me a career in what I really want to do. The beach which will wash away all my sorrows. I need this...I just need to keep telling myself that.
Sigh. I am feeling super depressed writing this blog. I will just stop here -.-

I love y'all.
-Cassie

Fine On The Outside

I never had that many friends growing up so I learned to be okay with just me, just me, just me, just me && I'll be fine on the outside.
I liked to read in school by myself anyway, so I'll just stay right here, right here, right here, right here && I'll be fine on the outside.
So I just sit in my room after hours with the moon and think of who knows my name. Would you cry if I died, would you remember my face?
So I left home, I packed up and I moved far away from my past one day and I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, I laughed, I sound fine on the outside.
Sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I'm confused; Sometimes I find that I am not alright, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry.
So I'll just sit in my room after hours with the moon and think of who knows my name. Would you cry if I died? Would you remember my face?

-Priscilla Ahn

Fine On The Outside (Music Video)

*sigh* this song summed up my feelings at the moment all within 4 blissful minutes. Seriously, give it a listen. So soft and relaxing....I cried for about 30 minutes just listening to this song on loop. I am also fighting a fever and killer headache that I have been trying to shake off for 3 days now... :\ I think I will throw in the towel early today and just go to sleep...My feelings cant bother me in the dream world.

I love y'all.

~Cassie

Gamer Girl

I will admit it, I am a gamer girl. If I am not at work, I am playing video games or drinking. When I am at work, all I think about is coming home to play! I am, more recently, expanding the type of games I play as well. I used to just play Pokemon, Legend of Zelda, the Mario games, etc.. and now I am getting more into Bioshock & Diablo III. I LOVE how I can separate myself from the real world and consume myself for hours on end and play.

My most recent obession would have to be Diablo 3, simply because I have been holding myself back from playing it for about a year now, and I finally gave it. I am so consumed by the game on my days off!!! :) It is not a bad thing for me either.

I am, also, a big fan of League of Legends. It is not as exciting or extravagant as Diablo, but I enjoy the characters you can choose and the different skins you may purchase for them :3 SO ADORABLE!!!! I can also play that game for hours on end, but do end up getting bored simply because it is the same thing over and over.

CAN I EVEN BEGIN TO SAY HOW EXCITED I AM FOR THE NEW LOZ GAME?! gah.....Legend of Zelda is my LIFE, but a new game! I, honestly, wasn't too fond of the newest release A Link Between Worlds. Maybe it is because I am used to the graphics of the Wii version of Twilight Princess. I have been spoiled with that so the DS one is a bit childish for my likings as far as graphics but the story and quest is as epic as ever. <3

One game I am about to finally play for the first time after I finish Diablo 3 is Kingdom Hearts (I KNOOOOOWWW I have NOT played it ever!) I know it is a sin! But I am going to finally give in, buy it, and binge play :D I have never herd anything bad about it, just have waited toooo long to play it! <3

Alright, off to do laundry and other apartment duties on this day off! 

-Cassie

Disconnected--

So I de-activated my facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram & snapchat. I am only reachable via text and call. Reason? I really need some time away from drama and people. I need to focus more on myself and getting back on track versus concerned about everyone else's life and posting a play-by-play of my day. NO ONE cares what I am doing at all moments of the day.

I am doing a lot more deep breathing exercises, yoga, and video games. I am still going to work, but I transferred to another store for a few weeks and it really is a good thing for me. Getting away from the old negative and into a new positive fun work environment makes SUCH a difference.

Of course I realized with de-activating my facebook, no one will read these blogs, and I am fine with that. Maybe these things are just for me to vent and type everything I do and feel into them. This blog is all I have right now. I have to say I am going through social withdraws since I am such a socialite. Today is day two of not having these social medias....and I am still alive :P

I really want to use this extra time to also start working out again. I miss the way I was so full of energy while I was hiking and exercising. I miss it terribly. I, also, need to start packing my belongings. My time here in Texas is becoming less and less. I am anxious, nervous, excited. I cannot wait to be with my family again.

I will post again soon, very soon.

Cassie

Statues

I'll break the silence, and watch it fall to pieces. The aftermath of passive violence, the "he said that she said she did it" ; && oh, I got a feeling I think you should know about : that i'm trying to find hope, there's nothing left to hold, i'm stuck down here in this hole i'll dig my way out.
I'll stand just like a statue, just like you, acting like the sky's just about to fall, with everything I cant do I cant move - in the end i'll find my way back home(find myself at home). Just say something don't leave me here with nothing I know I deserve more then this. The self-destruction, I'll think till I cant function I should've seen it coming to this.

They say its not having this, you're one shot till its all over. Say it "I just want out". Just let your words wash over me. And oh, a sinking feeling the flash fire's gone out. I'm trying to find hope, there's nothing left to hold i'm stuck down here in this hole i'll dig my way out.
I'll stand just like a statue, just like you, acting like the sky's just about to fall, with everything I cant do I cant move - in the end i'll find my way back home(find myself at home). Just say something don't leave me here with nothing I know I deserve more then this. The self-destruction, I'll think till I cant function I should've seen it coming to this.

And every second I breathe i'm coming closer, with everyday I see i'm getting older, with every step I take i'm moving further away from what I am and who I was. Let go of yourself like you let go of me, you were my oxygen and now it's hard to breathe. This is the final page so now i'll set you free, you were my everything && I was your empathy.

I'll stand just like a statue, just like you, acting like the sky's just about to fall, with everything I cant do I cant move - in the end i'll find my way back home. Just say something don't leave me here with nothing I know I deserve more then this. The self-destruction, I'll think till I cant function I should've seen it coming to this.

I'll take the blame if you take my conscience. Let go of yourself like you let go of me, you were my oxygen and now its hard to breathe. this is the final page so now i'll set you free, you were my everything, I was your empathy.

<//3

Frustrated!!

I am so beyond frustrated with myself.
I feel like me feeling so ugly is a smack in the face to all those who have ever called me pretty or beautiful. I don't mean to, nor can I help it. I just feel so so ugly. I look in the mirror and coat on tons of mascara and eyeliner to draw attention to the one thing I do love about myself -- My Eyes.
I know its horrible. I know that I should feel beautiful. I am the product of my mother & father's love. I should feel majestic just because of that. I feel so out of this earth. I know I am beautiful, but my beauty is so different then this world's. As are my beauty standards.
I see so much beauty and potential in those this earth would originally cast out. I wish I could shake the people I see beautiful, who also see themselves as not, and let them see what I see.
That's when I realize that is probably the same way they feel about me. So I am teaching myself to keep my head held high, and focus more on the positive things  I like about myself versus the negative. I am coming along, and remind myself I am put on this earth for me myself and I. I do not need to please nor focus on anyone else. When it comes down to it, you will be held accountable for your own actions, not anyone elses....and I need to remind myself that more often.
Anywho, just really needed to vent my feelings....trying to convince youself that you are beautiful can be harder on some days..

Love y'all,

Cassie

I stretch myself too thin...

My health has become a huge thing in my life the past 2 days. 

My blood pressure has been out the roof. I have been at first stage hypertension since I can remember. Yes, the stress of living on my own, bills, work, and money really have been effecting me lately. More then usual. I had to call in yesterday due to extreme pains throughout my body. My ribs felt like they had been kicked in, my stomach was turned, my head was pounding and I was hearing a high-pitch sound. To top it off, my ankles were so swollen it HURT so bad to walk.
This really really scared me. Only thing holding me back from going to the Emergency Room was I couldn't drive myself and that I had NO IDEA where the heck the hospital is here. I also became extremely tired and ended up sleeping most of the day. I never have been more serious about my health in my life. I finally am determined to find my purpose in life and I actually WANT to be alive, and of course my heart would start giving me the slip.

I began researching and found that garlic, omega-3, and apple-cider vinegar helps reduce blood pressure. The apple-cider vinegar tastes like ASS. It is the worst thing I have had, EVER. I love garlic so eating it straight is not an issue. I will be buying omega-3 pills this weekend but I have been eating fish for now. My diet is changing completely too. A very vegetable/fruit rich diet, with little carbs. I need to get back on my A-game.

I found myself being very dizzy this morning when I woke up, but not as swollen as usual. I also found my body not aching as much. I did take another day to just monitor myself and make sure I am feeling better. I do not want anything happening to me at work. I did go for a 35 minute walk/jog this morning, and I feel great so far. I do notice when I am doing cardio though, my fingers swell up to the point of being a bit painful due to the pressure. I need to keep my arms above my heart while exercising next time, the swelling becomes a bit too much for me.

Also, I retain A LOT of water. I do consume about 6-10 waterbottles a day, so about 96-160 fl oz of water daily. I am really trying to avoid doctors or hospitals until I return back to New Jersey, where they actually do take the insurance I am under. I am too far in debt to add another bill to the mix...that will just stress me out more. I am blessed to have such great family and friends concerned with my health. It does make the matter just that much more serious. I just want to get healthy, getting skinny isn't even a goal anymore. I want to get my body and heart strong, stronger then it has ever been. It is so hard being overweight. I have been the fat overweight girl my whole life, and I am putting my foot down now. This is enough. I am done with this. Time to take this shit seriously now.

Fresh fruits & veggies, walking, yoga, hot baths, and water will be my best friends for the next few months until I can tame this blood pressure of mine. I will continue forcing the apple-cider vinegar down and will proceed with eating garlic and protein. I am excited to be healthy...that counts for something right? I cannot wait to live by the ocean again, it will do wonders for my soul.

I love you all, I will keep you posted. 

<3

&& I found God --

I often overwhelm myself with deep thoughts and concerns. 

I know I shouldn't, yet I still do it. I wonder why do these things happen to me, why would God allow these things to happen and why do I let them bother me? Why do I dwell on the past so much, when I should just be focused on the present & look to the future? Why do I allow other peoples actions to affect me so much? Why Why Why?

STOP. I need to just STOP and freeze in this moment. I was put on this Earth for a reason, and even though the purpose is not clear to me yet, I will find it. I need to stop crying because the tears wont get me anywhere, I need to stop being bitter because the past doesn't change. I need to stop feeling bad for myself because all my trials, errors, and pain will help me reach others who have suffered as I have. I need to let go, and just dive in.

I need to find my God again. My faith has been so shaky and nearly non-existent since I moved away from home. I miss my deep conversations with God, and reading his word with nothing in my mind beside how will I impact the world with my actions today? How will I make just one person smile today? How will I get that one person to open up and share their burdens with me, for them to know they are not on this road alone?

I need God more then ever now. I need him to help heal me, and get me strong again. I need to let this wall I have built come crashing down. I need to stop putting up such a strong front and allow people to see me for who I really am. God, I know there is a reason why I am here right now, show me please.

I am tired of making excuses for my actions the past few months. I am tired of thinking my pain and worries are the worst problems in the world. I am ready to be humbled and lay my life down before the Lord. I am ready to just give my all. Why live a life without God, when He gave me the life I am living? I am ready, Lord. Use me.

I already feel stronger just by speaking (or typing) these things down. It makes it just that much more real. Now, my goal for the last few months here in Texas are to find my strengths and skills, and to exercise them so I can use them to the best of my ability to further the kingdom of God. I am ready, Lord. Pour your love and compassion into me, because I am ready.

I have never been so ready in my life. Let's do this. 

-Cass

Angry Taurus Ramble -- I AM NOT HOLDING BACK THIS TIME.

I am FED THE F*CK UP!!!

There are 365 days in a whole year, can just ONE fkn day be MINE?! Can just ONE day be focused on making me happy and keeping me smiling?! WHY do people insist on making things always about THEM?! I do NOT ask for much, ever. I am the most easy going, usually happy, make everyone smile always human alive. The cheapest date on the planet. I have only asked for ONE day, and JESUS can I tell you this is NOT HOW I IMAGINED IT. (almost) everyone I have spoken to has managed to make it about THEM.

I am the most pissed off person on earth at the moment. I literally am about to drink this bottle of amaretto BY MYSELF and for-fucking-get about today. Sure, I had fun in the beginning. Then it got annoying. I shrugged it off, and it got worse. SERIOUSLY. I do NOT mean to sound like a little brat right now but LET ME HAVE MY FREAKING DAY!!!!!!!!!!! Just SHUT up about your problems and your feelings. Today I DO NOT CARE.

Yeah yeah, I get it. You are the only one who can control your emotions and how the events in a day effect your mood and the way your day pans out. Well, I don't feel I should HAVE to. I literally sat in the tub and just CRIED my eyeballs out of my face.

Yes - I am homesick. Yes - I am going to miss my friends here. Yes - I just want to disappear right now. Yes - I tend to hurt people with my words and actions. Yes - I do not care about anyone and their feelings right now. Yes - I am pissed off and it's too late to even make things right. Yes - I might be an alcoholic. & Yes - This makes no damn sense.
This may be the RAGING Taurus bull in me but fuck. just FUCK.

I do not care what people think right now, just needed to get this damn ramble out so I can try to enjoy the rest of this night and drinks.

GAH. I feel better.

I am fine just loving me --

You see, I have this problem...

My heart is so vulnerable and pure. I love to love people. I love to show love and give my love out. I find it so hard to hate and keep a grudge. I find it hardest to keep myself back from falling head over heals for people. && THIS is a major problem. Because in the end I am the fool.

I find myself falling harder and faster lately, and I just need to keep my freaking head on and remember my goal. Solo. I need to remember that I need to better myself for me, before anyone else should be able to get in my way. My goal - HOME. I want to go home. I cannot wait to be back home with my family and friends and beaches and working retail and just being able to come home to a house full of love and greetings from my family <3 I cant wait to be able to go to the beach and let my mind go wild and free. School, Work, Family, Church. Home.

Some days I wish I could just rip my heart out and throw it away, though. I hate being quick to love and always one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am always so willing to help and love and care for others. I always want to go that extra mile to make someone happy. I love to surprise people and make them smile. It isn't a bad thing...sometimes I just do it too much and I wear myself thin.

Anyway...This weekend I was able to go to South Padre Island and REALLY enjoy a beach for the first time in about...4 years. Since I moved down here! It was so great to be back at the ocean. I swam and collected tons of shells and even caught 2 crabs and a shrimp! ^_^ It was really so so fun! And I got tanner :D 

I am trying to register that my birthday is on Sunday....May 18, 1992. I will be 22 years old this year...and I am realizing that my youth is over. I will never be able to go back but I must look forward and embrace that I am aging. I need to really figure out what I want to do with my life...because I am running out of time on this earth..and THAT is scaring me terribly...

Have I told you all that I love you? Well I do :) Have a fantastic day, mmk??

Love you,

Cassandra