I Am So Confused Right Now....

I am confused and scared.

If that makes any sense at all...

I am afraid to live my life fully, in fear that I am living the wrong life for me. I am scared to NOT live enough, because I can die at any moment of any day! I am not promised another waking moment on this planet, none of us are. I want to change this world, be somebody inspiring, I want people to know my name. I don't necessarily want to be famous....but I do at the same time. Just well known. && not for stupid lame stuff.
I really do not know what my life calling is yet. I do not know what to do with my life. Another reason why I am hesitant to jump into really just living my life. I know I obsess too many hours of my day into trying to figure my life out. I just...cant. I do not know my strengths or weaknesses and how to apply that to a future. I don't know what I can invest my simple mortal life to. I know I am going to die soon...I don't know exactly when but c'mon now. That's a huge reason why I am afraid to make friends and let people in to get to know me. I don't want to hurt any more people then I already have. I don't want to disappoint people or let them down. damn...I really need to start living my life not giving a shit about what people think.

I really do not know what I am writing. I have so many bottled up emotions right now that I just felt the need to pour them all down into a page, even if no one reads them at least they'll be here for me to look back on. I feel so many things right now...

stress, anger, fear, age, sorrow, depression, anxiety.. just a few off the top of my head. Throw reckless in there too. I am afraid of being single. I have not been single in 7+ years. I never gave myself that chance to be alone. Too much time alone with thoughts is dangerous. But I honestly don't think I want to date anymore. Not anytime soon. It is too much work and too much time and emotion wasted. I lost my youth and precious time. I do not want to waste another moment.

I cannot wait to go back to NJ. I cannot wait to be back with my family. I do not necessarily want to see anyone else but my family for a good few months when I first get back. I do not want to waste anymore time that I have lost with them. I do not need anyone else but them. They have always been my rock and my shelter. I cannot wait...I miss you guys so much.

FAMILY. I seriously see how much they say family comes first now. They always do. I have never had so much support in my life then from them. All my stupid decisions, they supported me anyway just because they LOVE me. Love...what a silly thing that comes full circle.

I really wish I could leave tomorrow to go back home. I really wish I could be back in that little comfortable house sitting infront of the fireplace with my mom and dad and brother sitting snuggled up on the couch, and me and my two sisters on the floor painting nails or dying hair and talking about life. Not worrying about having to impress people or look good. The only people who never judged me and never needed me to be at my best, allowed and embraced me at my worst. A shoulder to cry on, and the ones to make me laugh till I pee. I feel so sad right now thinking about the years I have spent away, and missed my little ones growing. I should have been there to talk to them about their problems and help them...I feel like a horrible sister.

I am gonna end this rant before I bust into tears. I will try to muster up the strength to swallow that pill called pride and accept I was stupid. I will pull myself together, and realize I still have time. I am still kinda young...right? I can still change this life...right??

-Cassie.

Living With Your Ex - or - Living With Your Best Friend?

I have been getting asked a lot of questions about this.

It really is no big deal to me. I mean, sure it hurts sometimes but I know this is for the best. We both saw us parting to our own ways for a while now. Sure, we still love each other as friends, but we are not IN-LOVE with each other. There is no attraction. I feel like we are just two good friends living together. Roomies.

I can see how this is unhealthy in many people's eyes. We have history. 6 1/2 years of history to be exact. We have been together FOREVER, inseparable for the past 3 years. My whole life had revolved around her. And I am not complaining. I learned A LOT in this period of time, and learned how to live independently and on my own. It also made me realize that when you cherish your friendship with someone more then your relationship, you work twice as hard to keep that friendship. That is why we ended it.

I don't see us ever NOT being friends in the future. Sure, when we do eventually move on to others, it will sting my heart. It hurts being replaced, c'mon. Who are we really kidding. But I wont be selfish about it, I will be happy and support her. She deserves a great person in her life who can make her smile and laugh all the time like I did. And I do too. But not anytime soon.

Hell no -- I am not looking to get into a relationship or date or even THINK about that stuff. Again, 6 1/2 years of it is enough. I am ready to re-claim my youth and invest my time and energy into bigger things, bigger then me, bigger then LIFE! My mind is not even focused on those things. And I feel I will start pulling away from those who do distract me from being the amazing person I know I am. I will start reading the bible again, and I am going to start having close conversations with God like I used to. Our relationship is just so amazing. He is the all-loving father, no matter what I do He always loves me and stands by me to take me back. I have been distant from the Lord for quite some years now, and that's too long.

NO. I wont be one of those Christians who bash and look down on the sins of the world. I will never discourage anyone for having different beliefs or their lifestyles, I have been there done that. I am just so ready to love people. I have so much to give, time to stop hiding!!

I don't expect anyone to understand the life I have, and why things happen. I don't fully understand them either, but no time to tread on the past. Time to look forward and live in this precious present.

I love you all. Seriously. Thank you

Cassie

:: Thanatophobia ::

Honestly, NO ONE can convince me different.

I am terrified. Death freaks me out. I know there must be others out there like me....I just haven't been able to find one. I am so afraid of dying and the ones I love passing away. I am...legit...TERRIFIED. It is so unhealthy. No, I am not afraid of what comes after, I am just afraid of getting old or leaving earth, and everyone here.

I fear of when I die, will it hurt? Will I feel like I am being ripped to shreds or will I not feel anything? Will people remember me a month or two after I pass, or will I just be another box of bones in the ground? Will people even mourn over my death, or just shed a tear or two and move on with their lives. I honestly...fear.

I just cant shake the fact that why bother living if we are going to die anyway? One of the main reasons why I was so suicidal and used to cut many years ago. It REALLY freaks me out. I didn't want to let people get close to me because I don't want to feel sad when they or I pass away...I don't want to see people hurt, and I know my fear is eating at my core. I feel so scared some days, all I do is close myself off from the world and cry. 

Thanatophobia - [Death Anxiety]. It is seriously a problem for me. It does effect me on a daily basis, but some days I feel more positive then others. Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Today I will go out there and make an impression on someone's life Today I will smile until my cheeks hurt, and pay it forward!" Then there are other days, similar to today, where I just want to lock myself in my apartment, keep the blinds closed, cry and sleep all day. I am so afraid and what irritates me the most is I don't have anyone to relate with. 

I have suffered from this since I can really remember. I guess it was around 3rd grade I really started thinking about death and dying. The thought of getting old makes me squeamish and feel sick to my stomach. The thought of not being promised another day FREAKS ME OUT. I know I do have faith in God, but I really don't know what else to possibly do at this point. I have been to countless counselors and they really were unable to help me with this. I have contemplated anti-depressant meds...but that would just make me feel like I am crazy.

I know. I should try to sleep...Maybe a good cry and a bath will sooth my mind for a bit....Anyway. If anyone has any pointers or has/is experienced/ing what I am dealing with, please, message or comment to me...I need all the help I can get.

I love you all. 

XOXO

Cass..

*~Alistar~*

I lo-lo-love that name!!

I am planning on having a son and naming him Alistar :3 I don't know why that name calls to me. It is just...ahmazing. Speaking of Alistar - we got a new kitten *well, its Angie's not mine* :3 and I am calling her Alistar (even though it's a girl)..only temporarily until we find a name that fits her BEAST personality!! 

She is so fearless and so strong willed :3 and SO SO TINY!! AHH!!! She is still only drinking milk, but she will be ready for hard food soon,  I just know it!

On another note, I need to get back onto the grind of working out. I am keeping up eating healthy (though I have slipped a few times), but then I work it off even harder! I am having so many days off this week so that'll give me more time at the gym and the trails :D I am seriously so blessed to have so much support!!

I AM SO HAPPY !!! My three little siblings are coming down to Texas in a few months!! Am I ready -- HELL YEAH! I have so much planned to do with them :3 Sea World, Six Flags, Alamo, Riverwalk, Peter Piper, Incredible Pizza, REAL Mexican food, Elotes & Raspas !! I am so stoked like....no one can even imagine! I miss them incredibly. I wish I could be with them already! I am really excited to be moving back home :) One thing I never imagined saying : I MISS NEW JERSEY! I know a lot of people don't think I will actually have the balls to do the move -- but I have pushed off going back home for 2 years now. I need to be with my family, they mean more to me then anything.

Onto another thing I love :: LOKI! Well.. I am so in love with Tom Hiddleston its unhealthy. I seriously have about 100 pictures of him in my phone, and even MORE on my laptop and Ipad.....I swear he comes to me in my dreams!! I wish my path would cross with his <3 He is such an amazing guy. Always doing charities, his accent, his posture, his smile and LAUGH <3 GOODNESS. I just jizzed in my pants....change of subject--

I am surprisingly most excited about going back to church and getting involved in the church again...Strange I know. I just, feel myself being pulled back into it. I want to be involved in the community, and do soup kitchen and missions trips and out reaches and help those in need. I really miss that...

ALAS. Time to drink more coffee and check on my pumpkin pie :3 Happy Easter LOVES! 

I love you all

XOXO

Kewin Child

Here We Go Again...

I know that's probably what y'all are thinking when I post blogs :P

Especially blogs about being home sick... Unfortunately that's really the only emotion I have been feeling for the past month. I miss my family so terribly....my heart aches to be back home with them. My mother's health concerns me so much.I should be there taking care of her. I know I am not responsible, but I know as the oldest it is my rightful place to be there for her. She has taken care of me since the day God placed me in her womb....I owe this much to her. She is my best friend. And I would never trade our relationship for the world! God knew what he was doing when he chose her for my mother.

I miss my dad, too. We had a horrible relationship when I was younger, but we have an amazing relationship now. Sure, he may still be short tempered...Irish people usually are :P And I miss us going fishing, and don't get him started in Dale Earnhardt (3) or trucks! It is his passion. And I may not know too much, but I would do anything to sit at a diner and strike up a conversation with him about NASCAR just to see him talk so passionately about something. He is such an amazing man, and I am so proud to call him my father.

My younger sisters, Amber & Cayla, they're my Jackassettes. They've has always been my ride-or-die, and witnessed me at my lowest points in life. I wish I could take those moments back, but I feel it might've made us closer in the end. I would do anything for them, and cannot wait for the memories we will be creating together when I trek back to NJ! 

Last, but not least, my baby brother Brandon. He...well....I disliked him extremely growing up. He was the miracle child of our family, and always got the attention. He was adorable AND charming. Smart AND witty. He was, honestly, the McKeown's gift. I love him to death now. I wish I did not treat him so badly while growing up, yet he has forgiven me through all and never ever showed me nothing but love. He is, truely, an example of amazing humility and love. I adore you, B-Child. 

I do not know where I would be without any of these members of my amazing, strange family. I don't think I would be the person I am today. I am not saying I am amazing or great in any way. I am extremely human, even though I wish I wasn't. I cannot wait to move back to NJ. I am so so torn, because I LOVE San Antonio. All the people here who have impacted my life...I will miss you all sooo much...but it is seriously time for me to return to my roots. The Jersey Shore is calling me back, and like the waves, must return to my ocean. East Coast for ever!! <3

Thank you so much Amber, Cayla, && Brandon for playing Super Smash Brawl && Mario Cart with me today. I really do cherish all the time we get together, even if it is us facetiming and playing video games together. You guys are the best siblings a gal could ever ask for. Thank God you are my siblings. I had such a blast today...I miss you guys...Always && Forever!!

I love you all, and thanks for staying tuned for another picture filled ramble of my deepest thoughts :) Y'all are the bestest eveerrrrrr!!

XOXO

Kewin Child

Meal Plan & More Cardio

That is what I really need to do now.

I weighed myself today, and I gained a pound this week :| I am trying my best to not feel discouraged. I know that this could be water weight, or muscle which is heavier then fat. But I need to not focus so much on the weights now, but more on cardio. I need to keep going.

I am creating a meal plan for next week. I will eat the same foods for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks every day. I don't mind it. I am basically doing that already. I am so ready for more stability on my diet, not going day by day and winging what I will eat. So far I have this

Breakfast

• 2 egg whites
• bowl of granola, flax, and fruit

Snack

• celery w/ peanut butter

Lunch

• kale/spinach salad with 1 serving tuna
• trail mix

Snack

• fruit or protein bar/shake

Dinner

• 1 serving chicken
• 1 serving brown rice
• 2 servings steamed or raw vegetables

I think this will best work with my schedule HOPEFULLY. Keeping these in check with my work schedule and not being able to bring my own lunch is really challenging. But hey, the joys of working in a grocery store is I can just walk over to the produce department and get an apple or banana when I am feeling a bit dizzy.

I am not going to be discouraged, and keep my determination high. I am off 'till Friday so I will bust my hump with cardio and hiking. I am so ready ! I have never been more ready to claim my body in my whole life. I have always been overweight. I am ready!

Thank you so so much to everyone who has supported me so much through this big change in my life. I also want to especially thank Belinda Gutierrez for the HUGE support and pointers you have been giving me! You are such an inspiration to me, and really are a great help! <3 Thank you!

I love you all, 

XOXO

Cassie

Weigh-in Time....

Ello Loves!

I have been asked numerous times throughout the week how much I have lost and my current weight and whatnot. I weighed myself 2 weeks ago, and weighed 300 pounds. I just weight myself this morning aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnddd *drumroll* I weigh.....281! :D TADA!!! Results are FINALLY showing, which just makes me even more excited and pumped~ I have lost 19 pounds in 2 weeks, even though I don't see any physical differences at the moment, I feel absolutely amaze-balls!! :D

Yesterday, I went on this incredible hike, 3 miles and took me about 3 hours because I was being cautious and did take breaks. It was steep climbs and drops and I did twist my ankle a few times as well as scrape my knee. BUT the adrenaline was just so intense!! I fell in love with the beauty in the area of the hike, seriously a magical place. I deff imagined it to be a great place to take some deep cosplay pics :D but shhhh....that's my idea...

I have been off the past 2 days, and today's my last day off till Saturday so I have been spending the time wisely....working out, hikes, walks, and DEEP spring cleaning :D YES My apartment is finally decent and smells amazing. I will admit, I had been committing myself completely to diet and exercise that I didn't have time to clean everyday like I used to. Cleaning is a job all in itself when you have cats. seriously. It can be utter hell.
I do not really know what else to write here...I seem to be at a loss for words. I am just so proud of myself and amazed at how much I have lost so far and I WILL not give up! I am so excited for my little sisters to come down in June, and to be going back to New Jersey is even more exciting. 
OH! Speaking of. My parents renewed their wedding vows yesterday *their 23 year anniversary*, and I could not be prouder. My little sister face timed me so I could sit at the ceremony with them. I am really proud of my parents. Their marriage really went to hell and back.

ALSO! <3 SHOUT OUT to my little CAYLA MCKEOWN Happy Birthday you little mouse! :D My little sister turns 17 today (NO MORE AGING OKAY?!) I am so so happy for her, getting her high school diploma at the age of 16 and really just blowing our minds. She is a smart cookie. I am hoping to go to college with my two little sisters and cause chaos on the campus....JK....maybe...

WELL. This is all for now, I must go steam clean my carpets now then going to the park for a jog on this lovely brisk day :) Thank you all again for so much support and helpful tips!! I am so so happy, really.

XOXO,

Cassie

This Is My Life~

I am claiming it back! 

I never imagined I would actually create the willpower to do this, but I have never been so determined and excited about anything in my life!! I am using every drop of motivation in my body to loose weight! I started on Monday, and I feel absolutely amazing!! I knoooow results take time, and I am extremely impatient, but I will not be discouraged this time. I am claiming my body back, and throwing a big middle finger in obesity's face!

I guess reality hit me when I was just messing around my friend's work and weighed myself. 300lbs. I do not think I look nor do I even FEEL like I am 300 lbs...But it is true. I really let myself go. I was just so content with existing but not really living my life. I was just content with my relationship and kept telling myself no matter how much weight I gain, I will always be loved by this person. BUT that is not always the case. Gaining this much weight has made me so lethargic and depressed that I was so unbearable to be around. I was a drag.

I do not know how I let myself get this bad, but I am going to change this body, FOR ME, and I will never go back. I am in a graveyard, digging up a hole, and I am burying the old Cassie for good. 

No more depression, no more relying on others for my happiness. No more wasting calories on drinks and sweets, no more thinking life will get better on its own. I am taking the stand and I am changing! and honestly, I never have felt so alive! 
I am excited to go back to NJ, get back involved in the church. I am excited to get fit so I can really interact with missions trips and soup kitchens and charities. I want to live my life to the fullest, and make a name for myself. I want to give this world all I have to offer. I will not sit on my butt and do nothing anymore! And hopefully through my trials and errors, I will get my blogs more and more well known :) Being a blogger is one of my many dreams.

I am ready. And I want to personally thank you all for the MASSIVE amounts of support I have received. All your support is the voices in my head that tell me to grab carrots, apples, and bananas instead of a donut or cookies or chips. I am EXCITED BEYOND COMPARE to be almost 1 week clean of any soda, chips, and sweets!!!!! Also white bread, rice, and pastas! I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE.

Thank you all!! 

I love you to the moon and back!!

XOXO,

Kitty