I am confused and scared.
If that makes any sense at all...
I am afraid to live my life fully, in fear that I am living the wrong life for me. I am scared to NOT live enough, because I can die at any moment of any day! I am not promised another waking moment on this planet, none of us are. I want to change this world, be somebody inspiring, I want people to know my name. I don't necessarily want to be famous....but I do at the same time. Just well known. && not for stupid lame stuff.
I really do not know what my life calling is yet. I do not know what to do with my life. Another reason why I am hesitant to jump into really just living my life. I know I obsess too many hours of my day into trying to figure my life out. I just...cant. I do not know my strengths or weaknesses and how to apply that to a future. I don't know what I can invest my simple mortal life to. I know I am going to die soon...I don't know exactly when but c'mon now. That's a huge reason why I am afraid to make friends and let people in to get to know me. I don't want to hurt any more people then I already have. I don't want to disappoint people or let them down. damn...I really need to start living my life not giving a shit about what people think.
I really do not know what I am writing. I have so many bottled up emotions right now that I just felt the need to pour them all down into a page, even if no one reads them at least they'll be here for me to look back on. I feel so many things right now...
stress, anger, fear, age, sorrow, depression, anxiety.. just a few off the top of my head. Throw reckless in there too. I am afraid of being single. I have not been single in 7+ years. I never gave myself that chance to be alone. Too much time alone with thoughts is dangerous. But I honestly don't think I want to date anymore. Not anytime soon. It is too much work and too much time and emotion wasted. I lost my youth and precious time. I do not want to waste another moment.
I cannot wait to go back to NJ. I cannot wait to be back with my family. I do not necessarily want to see anyone else but my family for a good few months when I first get back. I do not want to waste anymore time that I have lost with them. I do not need anyone else but them. They have always been my rock and my shelter. I cannot wait...I miss you guys so much.
FAMILY. I seriously see how much they say family comes first now. They always do. I have never had so much support in my life then from them. All my stupid decisions, they supported me anyway just because they LOVE me. Love...what a silly thing that comes full circle.
I really wish I could leave tomorrow to go back home. I really wish I could be back in that little comfortable house sitting infront of the fireplace with my mom and dad and brother sitting snuggled up on the couch, and me and my two sisters on the floor painting nails or dying hair and talking about life. Not worrying about having to impress people or look good. The only people who never judged me and never needed me to be at my best, allowed and embraced me at my worst. A shoulder to cry on, and the ones to make me laugh till I pee. I feel so sad right now thinking about the years I have spent away, and missed my little ones growing. I should have been there to talk to them about their problems and help them...I feel like a horrible sister.
I am gonna end this rant before I bust into tears. I will try to muster up the strength to swallow that pill called pride and accept I was stupid. I will pull myself together, and realize I still have time. I am still kinda young...right? I can still change this life...right??
-Cassie.
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