:: Thanatophobia ::

Honestly, NO ONE can convince me different.

I am terrified. Death freaks me out. I know there must be others out there like me....I just haven't been able to find one. I am so afraid of dying and the ones I love passing away. I am...legit...TERRIFIED. It is so unhealthy. No, I am not afraid of what comes after, I am just afraid of getting old or leaving earth, and everyone here.

I fear of when I die, will it hurt? Will I feel like I am being ripped to shreds or will I not feel anything? Will people remember me a month or two after I pass, or will I just be another box of bones in the ground? Will people even mourn over my death, or just shed a tear or two and move on with their lives. I honestly...fear.

I just cant shake the fact that why bother living if we are going to die anyway? One of the main reasons why I was so suicidal and used to cut many years ago. It REALLY freaks me out. I didn't want to let people get close to me because I don't want to feel sad when they or I pass away...I don't want to see people hurt, and I know my fear is eating at my core. I feel so scared some days, all I do is close myself off from the world and cry. 

Thanatophobia - [Death Anxiety]. It is seriously a problem for me. It does effect me on a daily basis, but some days I feel more positive then others. Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Today I will go out there and make an impression on someone's life Today I will smile until my cheeks hurt, and pay it forward!" Then there are other days, similar to today, where I just want to lock myself in my apartment, keep the blinds closed, cry and sleep all day. I am so afraid and what irritates me the most is I don't have anyone to relate with. 

I have suffered from this since I can really remember. I guess it was around 3rd grade I really started thinking about death and dying. The thought of getting old makes me squeamish and feel sick to my stomach. The thought of not being promised another day FREAKS ME OUT. I know I do have faith in God, but I really don't know what else to possibly do at this point. I have been to countless counselors and they really were unable to help me with this. I have contemplated anti-depressant meds...but that would just make me feel like I am crazy.

I know. I should try to sleep...Maybe a good cry and a bath will sooth my mind for a bit....Anyway. If anyone has any pointers or has/is experienced/ing what I am dealing with, please, message or comment to me...I need all the help I can get.

I love you all. 

XOXO

Cass..