The Waiting Game.....

That's all we can do...

I drove back from Edinburg, Texas today. 4 lengthy hours of just me and the open road. I wanted to sort my thoughts but I really ended up just blasting Panic at the Disco the whole ride home. I honestly miss grandma so much...I didn't want to admit it but I really wish I was there by her side like I have been the past 3 days. I feel at peace knowing I was watching her, not that the others that are watching her now aren't doing it correctly...I just ehhh. I am going to find someone to cover my shift Friday so I can drive Friday morning instead of Saturday morning.

I am so glad the cats didn't leave too much of a mess for me. I missed them so much. I am so exhausted and so hungry....>___< but I do not know what to eat!! I honestly ALWAYS munch out gatcho bad on the road but I didn't eat anything the whole drive up here...
UHHHH I don't know how i will be able to concentrate on work, all I can think about is grandma and her not suffering. She is literally dying of starvation and internal bleeding. She just cannot eat or drink anything, it's destroying her. Angie and her brother are still down there with grandma, caring for her. I cant do anything else from here but just to pray for her. I really shouldn't worry though, the Hospice she is at is really incredible.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

I did break my new years resolution today. I dyed my hair before April. It is really the only thing I know how to do when I need to vent or am stressed. NO I didn't do anything drastic. I just dyed it all a medium brown. I was so tired of seeing the green streaks mixed in the brownish tone I had before. HEY I lasted a WHOLE month without dying my hair :) I am pretty proud of myself. So I am not upset at all.

SOOOO I decided to order Chinese food. I am way too hungry to leave my apartment right now...it could get dangerous.... :P HAHA I would eat HOOMANS. Just kidding......but I really need to give my car a rest and try to sleep. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand chinese food is on its way YAY! :D I am so so so so hungry and this place gives SO much food!!! :)

Well, I am so exhausted. I am going to watch some anime and relax. I will be sleeping EARLY today! Loooong work shift tomorrow.

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Staying Strong.

She is a tough cookie. 

I have actually slept today, 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. I am slowly gathering hours of rest for the drive back tomorrow. My mind is always on grandma, I just keep telling her that we love her, God loves her, and to just rest up.

Today they tried to give her water because she has not drank or eaten anything in days. The water dripped into her lungs so they had to stick a tube down her throat to suck it out. A lot of blood was coming out instead of water, because she kept gargling and choking on it as she tried to breathe. They continue to administer morphine to her to let her sleep peacefully, still getting spurts of pain from the leg that they amputated the toe from earlier this month.

I had a dream while I was sleeping from 5-8 of going to a carnival. Completely unrelated to what is currently going on. I so want to go to a carnival! Play games, snow cones, cotton candy, the atmosphere. I miss being a kid. I really don't want be an adult anymore. I really don't want to say I wish my life turned out differently because actions led me to knowing Grandma Victoria and Texas. I sure do love San Antonio.

I am really missing my family terribly in this time of suffering. It really brings back memories of when I lost my last grandparent, Papo. It was one of the hardest time in my life. I still miss him and hear his voice occasionally. I wish he was still alive physically but I know his spirit and love always follows me.

Anyway, I am going to try to lay down and get some rest, debating on going to a good close friend of mine's house to get some real sleep. LONG day tomorrow. I did burn 3 CDS for the trip so far and always have people I can call if I get lonely or sleepy.

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Amara Hospice

Here Until The End.

I just cannot pull myself together to sleep more then 15 minutes. It isn't that i'm not completely exhausted, it's because I just cannot stand not being awake watching over grandma. I am strong enough to stay by her side through everything and probably wont break down until I get home to San Antonio on Wednesday. I have long days at work Thursday and Friday to keep me occupied until I drive back down.

(old pic from mothers day)

I want to drive back down Friday but I don't get out until 10 pm, if I take off right after work I wont get here until 2 am, and I might not be able to keep myself awake. Might have to wait until Saturday morning, then drive back to San Antonio Sunday afternoon. This has been such an emotionally draining experience and such an anxiety thing for me. I keep a smile on and keep the Perales/Rivera family laughing, but inside, I really feel like I am breaking down. BUT enough of that sadness.....

On the plus side, I am going to be writing in a journal on top of this blog to keep my mind traveling. I am also burning some CD mixes for my drive by myself :3 I am pretty excited to out those together. I have a lot of stuff to occupy myself with throughout this night. Once we get relief from our long shift, probably around 9 am, I will be able to go back to the apartment and sleep. REALLY try to sleep. I need to be rested for Wednesday. I am shooting to start driving by 2 pm so I will get in San Antonio by 6 pm. Give me time to see my foundation at HEB or wherever I must go to see them.

I am about to go do laundry at this awesome hospice. The staff is so sweet to us. I am gonna grab a cup of coffee on my way back to the room. I have been so busy that I haven't been able to do laundry so this place is just magical. It is absolutely gorgeous here too!! A windmill in the front with some farm animals on the property across, a huge lake in the back with cactus and benches. It is just so tranquil, I will probably do some yoga too. I feel so calm and at peace here even though my body wont let me sleep. I might be able to emotionally rest here.

(grandma resting)

I love you all

XOXO

Cassie

What a looooooong night....

Real Talk.

I slept a total of about a hour last night. I really don't mind all too much because I was there for grandma but her pain was on such a high scale, the morphine wasn't doing anything. Every two hours they would give her morphine. It would take 30-40 minutes to kick in, shed sleep for about 30 minutes, then wake up crying in excruciating pain again :( It really hurt to see her like that. She has been sleeping for most of the morning/afternoon so far she only woke up once. She is still internally bleeding but we have some paperwork to go through :\ It can never just work out, no one can ever just help her out. My heart aches.

On the plus side, I took the most refreshing shower in ze world!!! Melt my skin off status. LOL. I was able to do my makeup and have music therapy :3 I love my strange Japanese music to lift my mood. I also got the BEST Green-Tea Frapp at Starbucks today before heading back to the hospital. Just the caffeine boost I needed. Me && Santos are trying to stay sane on the littlest bit of sleep >_< I need a drink so badly.

I am dreading the drive back to San Antonio by myself >____< I will need to talk to myself and make a new CD or two so i dont fall asleep! I am sure I will be okay buuuut four hours by myself solo EEEHHHHHHH I could go insane. :P

I am so excited to finally go eat something beside hospital vending machine snacks >.< BLEH! haha. I think I need to party soon.....I need to get CRUNK. I am going insane in this hospital. SO MUCH TIME ALONE. SO DANGEROUS. :P Plus Ill be in San Antonio alone for 2 days HOLY HELL....That is scary. I need my foundation crew to get crazy with <3 I love you guys miss you all!! Thank you everyone for all the loving texts and calls concerning grandma Victoria, We are staying strong. I get bored here through the night at the hotel and will be staying here again tonight. Anyone wana keep me company, shoot me a text or message me via FACEBOOK.

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Keep on Going for Miles && Miles...

Literally...

Today I woke up with tons of missed calls and really mind-shaking text messages. My roommates grandma is in the hospital with internal bleeding and she could pass away at any minute. NOW--mind you the grandma lives 4 hours away almost at the very tip of Texas. AND I had work Monday and Tuesday. I couldn't just leave to go see her. So I spent the first half of the day finding people to cover my shifts so I could drive down here to McAllen and drive back to San Antonio on Wednesday, bringing my roommate and her brother. 

I lucky was able to find coverage, THANK YOU LIFESAVERS. Left San Antonio at 4ish, made it here by 8:30. Pretty good timing considering I kept stopping to pee xD THANKS A LOT REDBULLS!!! It was a gorgeous drive. Honestly, I really was able to sort out  my thoughts and jam out and have deep conversations with Santos <3 love you brother!!

We were not able to see grandma today because visiting hours are over, but I just got a text telling me that she is bleeding a lot worse now and they'll call if anything. I want to go see her already, I am trying to hide it but my heart aches. I lost all my "blood" grandparents, but this one I adopted and really loved to listen to her stories. :( I am trying so so hard to hold myself together.

Why does someone dying always have to take my breath away. I am terrified of death. Not dead people, but people dying. I am so so scared, I cant stand it. I don't think I will be able to sleep....

I will only be here till Wednesday because I have work Thursday and Friday. I will be driving back to San Antonio by myself, and back down here Friday night or Saturday morning depending on how tired I am.

________________________________________________________________
I have been sitting here at the hospital with grandma for a few hours now. She just fell asleep and is snoring away. She is fighting so hard, so much pain. I feel so much ache in my chest because she doesn't deserve to suffer at all. She is so strong and stubborn. They should be bringing her morphine soon. I love her so much, I wish she would accept the nurses and doctors help, but she just wants out of here.
I know I posted this earlier but I did edit it. I was parked outside of Denny's using their wifi. I will be staying the nights here with grandma, holding her hand and telling her constantly that we love her.
A huge thank you to all my friends and family for the unconditional love and support. You are all the best. && TO my foundation, I miss you. I will see you all Wednesday night or Thursday morning.<3

(missing DinaBea<3)

Stay strong,

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Cheers to another completed week :)

HOORAY!!

I am so happy another week is done! The month of January is already coming to an end. CRAZY! I cannot believe how time is flying by! I can honestly say this year has been a great one so far. :) I am so happy and content words cannot describe. I do love my co-workers so much. They get me through every day. SO MANY LAUGHS :) I love you guys, for real. Thanks for the constant support!

Tonight I did a little surprise cookout :3 I was really impressed with myself and on how great the food came out!! :D hot dogs, sausage, hamburgers, chicken breast, and caesar salad :3 It was a nice to eat something different from the usual foods lately. 

SO YUMMY :3 now it is way later then I wanted to post this :( I will write a better more elaborate blog tomorrow (Sunday) I promise <3 :3

I love you all

XOXO

Cassie

FRIDAY!

WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I am so so happy the weekend is finally here. I always look forward to my Sundays off! :) and it should warm up by then so I will be able to really push myself to go hiking!! (I overslept last Sunday >_<) I hope it warms up. All the schools were closed today due to the ice everywhere!! My windows were re-iced through the night too! It is just such crazy weather for Texas. It is supposed to get back down into the lower thirties tonight which SUCKS since I will be at work till 1am tonight :( (Explains why I am getting this blog out before I go in).

I am, also, very proud of myself because my new years resolution was to not touch my hair starting January 1st until April. No cutting, no dying, nothing!! D: It has been extremely hard but I am determined to give my hair this much needed break. I will eventually get it back to browns and blonds in my hair, no more crazy colors. :( I do miss my blueish turquoise and pinkish purple. Just the fact that I could pull it off made me love it so much. 

I am not sure what to think with this month already coming to an end! This year is already flying by! My little brother turns 16 next week and I am a bit saddened that I will not be there to celebrate with him. I already sent out my gift to him, which I know he will love :3 Its so crazy how time just keeps going. My little sisters are turning 17 and 19 this year!! D: OH stop growing okay?! I will be 22, god....I am old -.-

I am happy to say that my mother got home from Jerusalem safely with no major health issues. I am so relieved. That was such a stress for me. My mom is my world and I worry constantly for her. If anything happens to her, the family does crumble apart. We all become headless chickens! :P

Alas, I am going to try to nap before work tonight! :) Feel free to drop texts to me!

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Oh The Weather Outside Is Frightful!

I don't know how to feel about this...

This weather is so outrageous and strange for San Antonio! When I got out of work today, my car was covered in ice and the roads were slippery!! It is currently 31 degrees, though it feels like 20 degrees according to the weather. I cant say I have ever experienced weather like this in Texas out of the 3 years I have been living here!

On the plus side, this is perfect weather for hot cocoa and hot tea :) PERFECT for tonight! The lights are flickering too so I am charging EVERYTHING! I must prepare for the worst though I am sure it wont be too bad. I can honestly say this weather makes me feel a little at home. I miss New Jersey.

I lately have been on a crazy binge of Markiplier on youtube :) He is really funny and entertaining. I could watch him for hours! I think what made me watch his videos is because he sounds like Kronk from the Emperors New Groove xD Oh god such a good movie.

I fear for the worst. My shoes and pants got soaked from running to the car and I now have the worst chill in my bones!! :( I am already keeping hot liquids in my body, bundled in layers of clothes, and sitting near the space heater. I really cannot afford to get sick :( Boo!!!!

I have been a bit bored lately. So if anyone wants to chat or just make a new friend, never fear to reach out to me, text me, message me, contact me, etc... You can always get me at my facebook as well. I will cut this one short, I am shivering so bad and need to get into bed!!! 

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

Misery Loves Company.

I am juuust saying. 

When someone has their panties in a bunch, they love to bring others down with them. I just cannot understand why people who are jealous or upset like to get others on their side. If you want to be friends with someone, go out of your way to get to know them, not to make them turn on their own friends because you want them to think you are feeding them information they don't already know. I really hate that. How can someone be so two-faced to one person, then go and try to turn their own friend against them. I WANT REVENGE. UGH. SO FRUSTRATED. -___-

Sorry .___. on the bright side, I got some AMAZING Bobatea today (again!) I am addicted!! The almond flavor is just superb.....&& the guy who makes them is suuuuch a cutie!! I am such a sucker for Asians....HA! I brought along a few friends with me too! Well........on the other hand, today was an overall pretty dull day at work. Short 4 hour shift, felt like 10 hours!!! :P

Emma is doing great!! She loves Kale (that makes one of us xD) and she is a hoarder. I was convinced she liked the raisins I was giving her, but she was hiding them under her bed!!!! I was like..wait...whaaaat?!Only 5 more days until I can hold Emma :3 I cant wait! I am going to buy her a hamster wheel tomorrow! AND get my car the much needed oil change she deserves! hmmm what else....

 I really had a hard time getting over my writers block today haha. My mind was clouded with anger and hurt, and I didn't want to ramble on too much about that because I don't like being mad or upset. :) SO I will just block the negative people out of my life and press on with the positive. It is too early on in 2014 to get MY panties in a bunch :)

I LOVE YOU ALL <3

XOXO

Cassie

----- To Infinity && Beyond ---->

Hello Lovies,

Today I will take you to the amazing place of "I-M-A-G-I-N-A-T-I-O-N" :]
Where I see myself in the next few years and what I see myself doing in that time. I honestly do not know where life WILL end up taking me but a girl can dream right??

I really want to go back to school this year, even just for a few classes each semester. Just to jump-start my learning engines. I, also, really would LOVE to pay off the rest of my car by the end of this year! That would be the hugest weight off my shoulders!!
.
I, also, really want to travel more! Florida, California, New Jersey (OF COURSE), etc. I love to drive and fly and travel around. One of my dear friends is currently in Japan and the stories he tells me make me fall in love with that country SO much more then I already did. My DREAM is to go there, and go to the cat cafe where while you are drinking tea, you are surrounded by cats!!! I would love to go to Italy too!! 

My main goal is to figure out what I really want to do with my life. To find out what my purpose of being put on this earth is. Why here, why now, why me. I have had so many questions flow through my head lately. I know I have a purpose...just what....

On the bright side, I am working on my next, fairly large, tattoo!! :) I don't want to spoil it, but I will say this -- It will be AMAZING. It really will reflect my childhood. It will cost a lot of money and time, but I am confident it will be sooo worth it! Cant wait for tattoo # 7 :)

Whaaaat else.....OH! I also am (hoping) to get a hedgehog in the future years :3 A cute wittle baby hedgehog! I love their little beady eyes and how they curl into a little ball! I could die by their cuteness!! x3 SQUEE!!!

I really do not know what the future holds for me, but I do know I want to continue doing these blogs and to eventually have the courage to vlog. YES. VLOG!!!! >w< I am pretty shy right now but I will bust through my shell and just record myself for you all to see, and ramble on just like these blogs :)

I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie

My Family // Eventful Day!!

Hello There Loves :3

Today was just crazy. I did some deep cleaning, finally folded my laundry, went to a place called YumiBerry to have Bubbletea with one of my dearest friends Lacy (DELICIOUS. SERIOUSLY. WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN THERE BEFORE!!!!). 

We got stuck in some MAAAAAD traffic because I missed my exit. We made steak and salad for dinner, smoked out my apartment from the steak, lost 3 of my cats in my apartment in the process and FREAKED OUT. I found them behind the couch after I searched to the moon and back! Just brought Lacy home and now, writing for all of you :D

I figured it would be nice for you all to meet my family here AKA my children :)

First(and Second) off and the two oldest members of my family : Kuu && Tiny
They were both born in the same litter and are as close as sisters get. We took in their stray mother (who passed away a few months ago) and just could not part with these two. 

Accompanying them is the third member to the family, Munchies. Left alone in the wooded area of an apartment complex near a snake nest, she was rescued and a good friend of mine reached out to me to care for her. I could not refuse!!

Fourth && Fifth to the family is Lucipurr and Crazy Pelo. They are brothers, sons of Kuu and Nephews of Tiny. How they came about...not sure how to really explain -___- buuut they were two I could not find homes for :(  They are my cuddle bugs.

Sixth to the family is the infamous Sunfire. Named after her lightly colored bunghole, she was left in a box with a paper saying "FREE" at my job. I seriously did not want to even go look at her. I knew I already had too much on my plate as it was, but no one wanted her and the pound would not come to pick her up. . . . So my heart could not let her be abandoned. I took her home with me. She is now an amazing addition to the family. So photogenic!!

Seventh is BRUCE :) My chinese fighting fish Beta. He is as simple as simple gets. He was an impulsive buy....nooot sure why but I wanted him to compliment my bamboo plants.

Eighth, and most final and recent is Emma. She is an adorable hamster that while out on our adventure to get bubble tea, Lacy and I fell in love with. She is such a sweetheart and just as adorable as they come :) She just minds her own business but cannot wait to invest into a hamster ball to let her roam around with the rest of us! :D

Thank you all for tuning in for another rant! Not as deep and personal as the others but a fun little filler x3

                           I love you all,

XOXO

Cassie